Conspiracy Theorist Discovers Two Unrelated Things Happened on Same Day, Declares 'You Can't Make This Up'

Amateur investigator Brenda Coincidence held an emergency livestream Tuesday to announce her discovery that a Trader Joe's opened in suburban Denver on the same day that a telecommunications satellite was launched from Cape Canaveral, a conjunction she called 'the most obvious connection they've ever let slip.' 'Look at the facts,' Coincidence said, pointing at her screen, which displayed a split image of the grocery store's grand opening and the rocket launch. 'Same day. Same planet. You can't make this up.' Coincidence, who operates the Substack newsletter Patterns Within Patterns, has built a following of 23,000 subscribers by identifying temporal overlaps between unrelated events and presenting them as evidence of coordinated activity. Previous installments have connected a school board meeting in Topeka to a volcanic eruption in Iceland ('both involved heated discussions'), a highway repaving project in Ohio to a naval exercise in the Pacific ('both involved asphalt -- look it up'), and the birth of a panda at the San Diego Zoo to a fluctuation in copper futures ('bamboo and copper are both commodities -- wake up'). 'Coincidence is the word they use to make you stop asking questions,' Coincidence said, apparently without irony. Her methodology, which she calls 'temporal correlation analysis,' involves searching news archives for any two events that occurred on the same date and then 'following the energy between them until a pattern emerges.' 'Patterns are everywhere if you're willing to look,' she said. 'And I'm willing to look. I look all day. I look when I should be sleeping. I look when my family asks me to stop looking. The patterns don't stop, so neither do I.' Her next investigation will examine why three different restaurants in her neighborhood all opened on Mondays.