Keto Enthusiast Explains Ketosis To Everyone At Dinner Party, Including The Salmon

A dinner party guest who has been following a ketogenic diet for nine months has delivered an unsolicited forty-five-minute lecture on the biochemistry of ketosis to seven fellow guests, none of whom asked, and to a plate of salmon, which was positioned directly in his sightline and received the most sustained eye contact. Brenden Ketone, 40, began the evening by declining bread, which is his right. He then explained why he was declining bread, which took fourteen minutes and covered insulin signaling, glycogen depletion, beta-hydroxybutyrate, and what he described as "the metabolic lie that the food pyramid sold us." "He started with the bread and by the time he finished we were on dessert," said host Patricia Glucose. "He covered the entire history of macronutrient research from Ancel Keys to present day. One of my guests fell asleep. I'm not sure Brenden noticed because he was looking at the salmon." Ketone's monologue included the following claims, ranked by accuracy according to a registered dietitian who reviewed a transcript: partially accurate ("carbohydrates trigger an insulin response"), misleading ("your brain runs better on ketones than glucose"), and imaginative ("humans were in ketosis for most of evolutionary history, which is why ancient people didn't get tired"). "Ancient people definitely got tired," said Dr. Amy Basal, the reviewing dietitian. "They were being chased by predators and had limited caloric resources. They were exhausted. The idea that paleolithic humans were in a constant state of mental clarity because they didn't eat bread is not supported by anything." Ketone has since sent a follow-up email to all dinner party attendees containing links to three YouTube documentaries and a 40-page PDF titled "The Keto Manifesto." Two guests have unsubscribed from his email list. One guest has started keto. Patricia Glucose has not invited Brenden to any subsequent gatherings. The salmon was not available for comment.