The Dietitian's Dispatch

Maintain real evidence hierarchy and nutrition science. Lampoon contradictory fad diets and supplement marketing nonsense.

Protein Shake Enthusiast Hasn't Chewed Solid Food in 14 Months, Dentist Concerned

The man's exclusive liquid diet has optimized his macros but atrophied his jaw muscles to the point where his dentist described his bite strength as 'consistent with a moderately motivated hamster.'

Registered Dietitian Retires After 30 Years, Reveals She Ate a Cheeseburger Every Friday the Entire Time

The confession, delivered during a retirement speech to 200 nutrition professionals, was met with gasps, laughter, and one colleague who whispered 'I knew it.'

Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free, Soy-Free, Nut-Free Restaurant Opens; Menu Is a Glass of Water

The establishment, which also avoids nightshades, lectins, FODMAPs, and 'foods that create energetic dissonance,' has been praised for its 'uncompromising commitment to elimination.'

Competitive Eater Hired as Corporate Wellness Speaker, Delivers Confusing Keynote

The motivational speech, titled 'Consuming Your Goals,' was booked by an HR department that mistook the speaker's 72-hot-dog record for a metaphor about ambition.

Food Instagram Account Achieves Peak Aesthetic: Meals Now Too Beautiful to Eat, Owner Subsisting on Protein Bars

The influencer's pursuit of the perfect overhead shot has resulted in 47 'hero meals' per week that are photographed and discarded, while she eats Quest bars in her car.

Gym Bro's Pre-Workout Supplement Contains More Ingredients Than the Periodic Table

The 'proprietary matrix' of the $59.99 powder contains 127 listed ingredients, 14 of which have been identified by chemists as 'words we've never seen before.'

Juice Cleanse Survivor Describes Three Days Without Solid Food as 'Transformative,' Eats Entire Pizza 47 Minutes Later

The wellness blogger called the cleanse 'a complete reset of my relationship with food,' a relationship that was apparently restored to full strength within the hour.

Nutrition Label Reading Champion Sets New Speed Record: 4.7 Seconds Per Ingredient List

The competitive label reader, who can identify a hidden source of added sugar at forty paces, has been banned from three grocery stores for 'aggressively auditing other shoppers' carts.'

Keto Dieter's Breath Weapon Registered as Biological Hazard at Open-Plan Office

The acetone-laden exhalations of a man in deep ketosis have been measured at concentrations sufficient to trigger the building's volatile organic compound alarm, prompting an evacuation.

Clean Eating Influencer Discovers That Dirt Is Not, in Fact, Clean

The wellness creator's 'soil-based nutrition' phase, which involved eating actual soil for its 'probiotic terroir,' ended after a parasitology report she described as 'not aligned with my wellness journey.'

Supplement Stack Theologian Declares Creatine 'The Father, the Son, and the Whey Protein'

The bodybuilder's 47-supplement daily regimen, which costs $340 per month, is organized into 'morning sacraments,' 'afternoon devotionals,' and 'evening rites.'

Intermittent Fasting Evangelist Explains Benefits of Not Eating to Visibly Hungry Coworkers

The 45-minute unsolicited lecture on autophagy and metabolic flexibility was delivered during a team lunch to which the speaker brought only a water bottle and a sense of moral superiority.

Meal Prep Influencer's Sunday Routine Now Takes Entire Weekend

The weekly meal prep, originally marketed as a 'two-hour Sunday ritual,' has expanded to 14 hours across two days and requires a dedicated refrigerator, a label maker, and a spreadsheet with 47 tabs.

New Superfood Study Finds That Previous Superfood Was Actually Just Food

Açaí berries, hailed as a 'cellular rejuvenation powerhouse' in 2019, have been downgraded to 'a berry' by the same research team that originally promoted them.

Man Achieves Perfect Macros, Loses Will to Live

After 18 months of weighing every meal to the gram, the fitness influencer hit his target ratio of 40/30/30 and immediately described the achievement as 'the emptiest moment of my life.'

Food Blogger's 'Healthy' Recipe Contains More Sugar Than Disclosed, Less Shame Than Expected

Maple syrup, honey, coconut sugar, and dates collectively contribute 48 grams of sugar to a 'no added sugar' brownie

Entire Office Now Gluten-Free After One Person Said They 'Felt Better Without It'

Catering budget restructured around single anecdotal testimony from Todd in marketing who also started sleeping more and exercising

Study Finds Coffee Is Good For You Again After Brief Period Of Being Bad For You

Beverage completes seventh full cycle through the beneficial-harmful research pendulum since 1990

Gut Health Influencer Attributes Everything From Mood To Traffic To Microbiome

Tuesday's commute explained through lens of intestinal flora diversity in post viewed by 800,000 people

Registered Dietitian's Thanksgiving Plate Photographed, Analyzed, And Judged By Entire Family

Portion of mashed potatoes smaller than Uncle Gary's interpreted as professional criticism of Uncle Gary's lifestyle

Intermittent Fasting Adherent Unsure If 2 A.M. Cheese Counts As Late Dinner Or Early Breakfast

Temporal classification of a block of cheddar consumed standing in front of an open refrigerator could determine whether 16-hour fast remains intact

Nutrition Label Now Requires Advanced Mathematics Degree To Calculate Actual Serving Size

Package containing 2.7 servings of 'about 11 chips' forces consumer to determine caloric content of 8 chips using fractions

Man's 'Cheat Day' Now Accounts For 40% Of Weekly Caloric Intake

Discipline maintained six days a week undermined by Sunday intake that nutritionist describes as 'technically a competitive eating event'

Juice Cleanse Company's 'Toxin Removal' Claim Challenged By Woman's Liver, Which Already Does That

Anatomical organ performing continuous detoxification files no complaint but deserves recognition, says gastroenterologist

Man Who 'Eats Clean' Cannot Define Clean, But Is Confident Bread Is Dirty

Extensive questioning reveals 'clean' means 'foods that photograph well on a white plate'

Instagram Nutritionist's Credentials Turn Out To Be Weekend Certificate And Access To Canva

Account with 340,000 followers traces qualifications to a $199 online course and a gift subscription to a design platform

Keto Enthusiast Explains Ketosis To Everyone At Dinner Party, Including The Salmon

Forty-five minute monologue on insulin response paused only to confirm that the salad dressing was not, in fact, sugar-free

Supplement Store Employee Cannot Explain What Any Supplement Does, Sells $400 Worth Anyway

Customer leaves with adaptogenic mushroom complex, collagen peptides, and something called 'mitochondrial optimizer' after 20-minute conversation of confident vagueness

New Superfood Study Contradicts Previous Superfood Study, Both Funded By Same Superfood Company

Acai berry simultaneously prevents and causes inflammation depending on which quarter's research budget you consult

Woman Tracking Macros Discovers She Has Been Weighing Emotional Baggage, Not Food

Food scale readings did not account for the existential weight of choosing between brown rice and white rice