Protein Shake Enthusiast Hasn't Chewed Solid Food in 14 Months, Dentist Concerned

Fitness enthusiast and amateur bodybuilder Chad Blender has not chewed a piece of solid food in 14 months, subsisting entirely on protein shakes, smoothies, and what he calls 'macro slurries' -- blended combinations of chicken breast, sweet potato, spinach, and whey protein that he describes as 'meal replacement technology' and his roommate describes as 'the worst sounds I've ever heard a kitchen appliance make.' 'Chewing is inefficient,' Blender explained, standing in a kitchen dominated by four blenders of increasing industrial capacity. 'You lose 15 to 20 minutes per meal to mastication. That's over an hour a day spent moving your jaw up and down. I eliminated that bottleneck. My meals now take 90 seconds. I drink them. I move on. My jaw is free to focus on more productive activities.' When asked what productive activities his jaw performs instead of chewing, Blender paused. 'Talking,' he said. 'Breathing. Looking determined at the gym.' Blender's dentist, Dr. Amanda Molar, has expressed professional concern. 'His jaw muscles have atrophied significantly,' Dr. Molar reported following a routine examination. 'Bite force is measured in newtons. The average adult male generates about 700 newtons. Chad is producing approximately 120. That's consistent with a moderately motivated hamster. I told him he needs to chew something. He asked if he could blend it first.' The dental implications extend beyond jaw strength. Dr. Molar noted that without the mechanical action of chewing, Blender's saliva production has decreased, his gum tissue has softened, and his teeth, while structurally intact, are 'essentially decorative at this point.' 'They're load-bearing structures with no load,' she said. 'It's like having a bridge that nobody drives across. Eventually the city asks why they're maintaining it.' Blender's macro slurry protocol, which he has detailed in a 47-page PDF available on his website for $19.99, includes recipes for Chicken Chaos (blended chicken breast with rice and broccoli), The Green Machine (spinach, avocado, protein powder, and olive oil), and something called Breakfast Annihilator, whose ingredient list Blender declined to share, saying only that 'it contains eggs in a state that eggs were never meant to achieve.' His roommate has confirmed this. 'I heard the blender at 5 AM,' the roommate said. 'I went into the kitchen. There were eggshells in the blender. Shells. He blends the shells. He says the calcium is bioavailable. I'm looking for a new apartment.'