Grandmother's Cold Remedy Outperforms Leading Pharmaceutical in Double-Blind Study Nobody Wanted

A clinical trial at Johns Hopkins, originally designed to definitively disprove the efficacy of folk cold remedies, has produced results that the research team describes as 'extremely inconvenient.' The study, funded by a major pharmaceutical company that requested anonymity for reasons that will become obvious, tested a traditional Appalachian remedy -- consisting of raw garlic, bourbon whiskey, honey, and 'a prayer spoken in the direction of the nearest mountain' -- against the leading over-the-counter cold medication. 'The folk remedy outperformed the pharmaceutical on every metric,' said lead researcher Dr. Patricia Lens, rubbing her temples. 'Duration of symptoms, severity, patient satisfaction. The garlic group even reported better sleep, which we cannot explain because they were also drinking bourbon.' The prayer component proved particularly vexing. A control group that received the garlic and whiskey but omitted the prayer showed a 12 percent reduction in efficacy, suggesting what the paper diplomatically terms 'a statistically significant mountain-adjacent vocalization effect.' 'We tried replacing the prayer with a secular affirmation,' Dr. Lens said. 'It didn't work. We tried facing away from the nearest mountain. Also didn't work. We are, frankly, at a loss.' The pharmaceutical sponsor has requested that the results not be published, citing 'methodological concerns' it has been unable to specify. The research team has submitted the paper to The Lancet with a cover letter that reportedly begins: 'We know how this looks.' The grandmother who provided the recipe, 91-year-old Opal Hensley of Boone, North Carolina, was unsurprised. 'Told you,' she said.