Oral Tradition Practitioner Furious After Grandson Writes Down His Best Story

Master oral historian Bartholomew Yarncroft is seeking legal counsel after his 19-year-old grandson, Tyler, committed what the elder describes as 'the single greatest act of cultural vandalism since the invention of the printing press.' Tyler, a first-year communications major at Ohio State, reportedly transcribed his grandfather's signature tale -- a 45-minute account of the Great Turnip Harvest of 1847 -- into a spiral-bound notebook during a family gathering in November. 'I just wanted to remember it,' Tyler explained from behind a locked bedroom door. 'He changes the details every time and I wanted the definitive version.' It was this very admission that sent Bartholomew into what family members describe as 'an unprecedented fury.' 'The definitive version?' Bartholomew repeated, voice trembling. 'There IS no definitive version. That is the ENTIRE POINT. Each telling is a living, breathing organism. You have pinned a butterfly to a board, boy.' The International Guild of Oral Tradition Keepers issued a statement condemning the transcription as 'a hostile act against the spoken word' and demanded Tyler surrender all written materials for ritual destruction. Tyler has refused, noting that his grandfather told the story differently at Thanksgiving than he did at Easter, and that the written version 'at least settles whether the turnip weighed forty pounds or four hundred.' Bartholomew has responded by refusing to tell any stories until the notebook is destroyed. The family reports that Thanksgiving dinner was 'the quietest in living memory, which is ironic when you think about it.'