Local Man's Coat of Arms Rejected for Containing Too Many Cats

Amateur herald Derek Passant had his coat of arms application rejected for the fourteenth consecutive time on Tuesday after submitting a design featuring seventeen cats rampant on an azure field. 'Each cat represents a different aspect of my personality,' Passant explained, gesturing to a hand-drawn blazon the size of a beach towel. 'The one in dexter chief is my courage. The one in sinister base is my love of naps. The tabby in fess point is my lactose intolerance.' The College of Arms issued a formal response stating that the submission violated approximately thirty-eight heraldic conventions, including but not limited to the rule of tincture, the principle of reasonable charge density, and 'basic aesthetic dignity.' 'We have seen ambitious blazons before,' said Dr. Helena Gules, senior examiner. 'But seventeen charges of the same beast, each in a slightly different posture, with one reportedly holding a tiny fish? This is not heraldry. This is a veterinary waiting room wall.' Passant has vowed to appeal, insisting that historical precedent supports his design. He cited a fifteenth-century Bavarian shield that allegedly featured nine badgers, though scholars note that shield was almost certainly a forgery created by a badger enthusiast. The College has suggested he reduce his feline contingent to a maximum of three cats, a compromise Passant called 'an insult to everything heraldry stands for.'