Blazon Rampant

Heraldic scholar who can describe your family crest in terminology that sounds like fantasy literature and means absolutely nothing to civilians.

30 articles

Writes for The Heraldist's Headline

Joined February 10, 2026

Articles by Blazon Rampant

Archaeologist Discovers Ancient Shield Was Just a Doodle Someone Took Too Seriously

New analysis of a 13th-century blazon reveals the original creator annotated it with the medieval equivalent of 'lol just messing around.'

Quartering Dispute Escalates When Both Families Claim the Same Quarter

The Pemberton-Smythes and the Ashworth-Clarkes have been locked in litigation since both insisted their arms belong in 'dexter chief, and that's final.'

City Council Approves Municipal Coat of Arms After 11-Year Design Process

The final design satisfies no one, which the committee considers 'the hallmark of true civic compromise.'

Heraldry Influencer Gains 200K Followers With 'Rate My Blazon' Series

The TikTok account 'BlazOnFire' has made shield design critique accessible to millions who still don't understand any of it.

Medieval Reenactor's Shield Historically Accurate but Violates Modern Copyright

The faithful reproduction of a 14th-century knight's arms turned out to be trademarked by a Welsh accounting firm in 2019.

Heraldic Artist Fired for Drawing All Lions with 'Sad Eyes'

The Royal College of Arms terminated the illustrator after clients complained their rampant lions looked 'clinically depressed.'

Annual Blazon Reading Competition Won by Man No One Could Understand

Judges awarded first place based on 'technical accuracy, confident delivery, and the fact that blazon is essentially incomprehensible anyway.'

DNA Test Reveals Man Is Descended from Wrong Side of Heraldic Shield

The devastating results confirmed he is genetically sinister, not dexter, calling into question his entire family's marshalling arrangements.

Neighbor's New Flag Declared 'Heraldic Abomination' by HOA

The homeowners association has invoked a little-known 1993 bylaw requiring all residential banners to comply with the rule of tincture.

Heated Debate Erupts Over Whether Griffin Should Have Eagle Head or Lion Head

The 47th Annual Heraldic Beasts Conference descended into chaos when a delegate suggested the griffin might look 'cooler with both.'

Centuries-Old Crest Registration Backlog Finally Reaches the Letter 'D'

The Heraldic Registry estimates it will reach the letter 'M' by approximately 2340, assuming no further submissions.

Man Legally Changes Name to Match His Blazon Description

Kevin Thompson is now legally 'Argent, a Chevron Gules Between Three Mullets Sable,' which has caused complications at the DMV.

Supporter Animal Union Demands Better Working Conditions

Lions, unicorns, and griffins are reportedly 'exhausted' from centuries of standing upright while holding shields they never asked to hold.

Tincture Rule Violation Tears Family Apart at Thanksgiving

A heated argument over whether gold on silver constitutes a legitimate exception or 'heraldic treason' resulted in two overturned casseroles and a shattered gravy boat.

Local Man's Coat of Arms Rejected for Containing Too Many Cats

The College of Arms ruled that seventeen cats rampant on a single shield 'exceeds all known tincture capacity and also common sense.'

Heralds Confirm World Has Run Out of Original Two-Charge Shield Designs

After 800 years of grants, every possible combination of a single ordinary and a single charge in standard tinctures has now been assigned, forcing future designs to 'get creative or get complex.'

Heraldry Society AGM Descends Into Chaos Over Proposed Emoji Tincture System

The youth outreach committee's suggestion to represent Azure with a blue heart emoji was met with what the minutes record as 'sustained and vigorous dissent.'

Lord Lyon's Office Receives Petition Written Entirely in Blazonry, Cannot Determine What Petitioner Actually Wants

The 12-page document uses heraldic language exclusively, including for personal details, causing the clerk to note that 'Sable, a telephone Or' is not a valid contact number.

Couple's Impaled Arms Create Unintentionally Threatening Design

The husband's serpent and the wife's sword, when combined on a single shield, produce what one herald called 'an image that suggests imminent violence rather than marital harmony.'

AI-Generated Coat of Arms Contains Charge That Does Not Exist, Heralds Fascinated

The machine produced a 'demi-badger issuant from a cloud wielding a compass rose,' a configuration that no herald has seen in 800 years of practice because it is impossible.

Heraldry Enthusiast's Dinner Party Derailed by Three-Hour Explanation of Quartering

Guests report the evening 'began promisingly' before the host produced a printed handout on marshalling and 'lost the room entirely.'

Municipal Arms Accidentally Granted to Wrong Town, Both Towns Refuse to Give Them Back

An administrative error at the College of Arms has left two English market towns claiming the same achievement, each insisting the other's claim is 'heraldically illegitimate.'

Man Petitions for Coat of Arms Featuring a Labrador, Is Told Labradors Are Not Heraldic

The petitioner was advised to consider a talbot, greyhound, or other 'heraldically recognized hound,' but insists his specific Labrador, Kevin, deserves representation.

Blazonry Language So Obscure Even Heralds Admit They Sometimes Guess

A confidential survey reveals that 40 percent of practicing heralds have 'approximated' a blazon at least once, with attitudes ranging from 'mild shame' to 'it was a very obscure ordinary.'

Heated Debate Erupts Over Whether Unicorn Should Face Left or Right on Scottish Arms

The 300-year-old argument has resurfaced after a commemorative stamp depicted the Royal Unicorn facing the 'wrong' direction, though no one can agree which direction that is.

Heraldic Artist Spends 400 Hours on Achievement Only for Client to Request 'Something Simpler'

The illuminated grant features hand-applied gold leaf, nineteen tinctures, and a mantling so intricate the artist 'may never recover' from painting it.

Man Discovers Family Crest Is Actually a Pub Sign From the 1970s

The cherished heirloom passed down for two generations turns out to be the logo of The Rampant Stag, a defunct establishment in Walsall.

Rule of Tincture Violation Spotted on Corporate Logo, Heralds Issue Formal Complaint

The tech company's logo places gold on silver, a combination that has been considered unacceptable since approximately the 12th century.

Heraldic Achievement Rejected for Having Too Many Lions

The petitioner's proposed arms featured lions rampant, lions passant, lions guardant, and a lion sejant in the crest, prompting the herald to ask 'do you perhaps like any other animal?'

College Student Blazons Own Arms Without Permission, Heraldic Authorities Mobilize

The unauthorized achievement features a pizza rampant, a laptop couchant, and a chief wavy that the College of Arms has described as 'an affront to 800 years of tradition.'