Supporter Animal Union Demands Better Working Conditions

The International Brotherhood of Heraldic Supporter Animals announced a formal labor action Wednesday, citing centuries of poor working conditions, zero breaks, and what spokesperson Leo Rampant described as 'being forced to stand on our hind legs for eternity while holding someone else's shield.' 'Do you have any idea what it's like to be rampant for four hundred years?' said Rampant, a lion who has served as the dexter supporter on the Harrington family arms since 1623. 'My calves are destroyed. I haven't sat down since the Stuart period.' The union's list of demands includes mandatory rest periods every fifty years, the option to be depicted in more comfortable postures such as 'couchant' or 'dormant,' and dental coverage for animals required to hold scrolls in their mouths. 'The unicorns have it worst,' said Griselda Sejant, a griffin who serves as sinister supporter for a minor Welsh barony. 'They have to balance a horn AND hold a shield. Several have developed chronic neck problems.' The College of Arms responded with a statement noting that supporter animals are 'symbolic representations, not employees,' and therefore are not entitled to labor protections. 'They're drawings,' said a spokesperson. 'They don't have calves.' Rampant dismissed this argument as 'exactly the kind of dehumanizing rhetoric we've come to expect,' before adding, 'Well, not dehumanizing. De-animalizing. You know what I mean.' The union has threatened to go guardant — facing the viewer directly — in an act of heraldic civil disobedience.