Lord Lyon's Office Receives Petition Written Entirely in Blazonry, Cannot Determine What Petitioner Actually Wants

The Court of the Lord Lyon in Edinburgh has returned a petition for a grant of arms after discovering that the applicant had written the entire document — including personal details, family history, and correspondence address — in blazonry rather than standard English. The petition, submitted by mail on heavy cream paper sealed with wax, opens: 'To the Lord Lyon King of Arms, from a gentleman Azure, habited Or, resident at a house Argent between two trees Vert on a road proper in the city of Edinburgh.' The applicant's name appears to be rendered as 'Gules, three letters S.T.E.P.H.E.N. in fess Argent,' though the clerk who received it noted this could also be interpreted as 'a man named Stephen who is very committed to the bit.' The family history section proved equally challenging. One passage reads: 'The petitioner's father, a gentleman Or bearing in his dexter hand a briefcase Sable, was issuant from the city of Glasgow and married to a lady Argent, crowned with a mortarboard proper, who was herself issuant from a small village in Fife.' 'We appreciate the enthusiasm,' said a spokesperson for the Lord Lyon's office. 'However, blazonry is a technical language for describing arms, not a replacement for English. We need an actual address, not Argent, a door Gules between two windows Azure. We need an actual phone number, not Sable, a telephone Or.' The petition has been returned with a request for resubmission 'in a language that allows us to contact you by conventional means.' The applicant has not yet responded, though a follow-up letter was received containing what appears to be a blazoned apology.