Heraldic Artist Fired for Drawing All Lions with 'Sad Eyes'

The Royal College of Arms has dismissed its senior illustrator, Martin Fesse, after a six-month investigation revealed that every lion rampant he had drawn since 2023 appeared to be experiencing a profound emotional crisis. 'They're supposed to look fierce,' said Chief Herald Augusta Chevron, holding up a recent commission. 'This one looks like it just watched the last episode of a sad television series. This one appears to be contemplating its own mortality.' The issue first surfaced when Lord Ashburton complained that the lion on his newly commissioned arms looked 'like it needed a hug.' Subsequent review revealed that Fesse had given melancholy expressions to over two hundred heraldic lions, as well as several eagles, a unicorn, and one wyvern. 'I paint what I see,' Fesse said in a statement. 'These animals have been holding shields and standing on their hind legs for centuries. Of course they're sad. Would you be happy?' Fesse's defenders argue that his work represents a more emotionally honest approach to heraldic illustration. 'For too long, we've depicted these creatures as mindlessly aggressive,' said art critic Penelope Azure. 'Fesse dared to ask: what is the interior life of a lion passant guardant?' The College was unmoved. 'A lion rampant should inspire fear and respect,' said Chevron. 'Not the urge to offer it a cup of tea and ask if it wants to talk about its feelings.' Fesse has since launched a freelance practice specializing in what he calls 'emotionally authentic heraldry.' His waiting list is reportedly six months long.