College Student Blazons Own Arms Without Permission, Heraldic Authorities Mobilize

The College of Arms has issued its sternest rebuke in decades after a 21-year-old history student at the University of Bristol was discovered to have designed, registered, and tattooed his own coat of arms without submitting a petition or paying the requisite fees. The arms in question, blazoned by the student as 'Azure, a pizza slice rampant Or, on a chief wavy Argent a laptop computer proper,' were tattooed on his left shoulder by an artist in Stokes Croft who reportedly 'did not ask about heraldic authority and frankly did not care.' Brendan Fess, the student, insisted his design followed proper blazonry conventions. 'The tinctures don't violate the rule of tincture. The charges are original. The whole thing is perfectly legitimate, except for the part where I didn't ask anyone.' Pursuivant Extraordinaire William Gules, speaking on behalf of the College, called the arms 'a regrettable act of heraldic vigilantism.' He noted that the right to bear arms in England and Wales is granted exclusively by the Crown, through Letters Patent issued by the Kings of Arms. 'You cannot simply decide to have arms,' Gules said. 'The process exists for a reason. If everyone could just blazon whatever they liked, we would have anarchy. Heraldic anarchy, which is the worst kind, because it involves lions facing the wrong direction.' Fess has been advised that using the arms publicly could constitute a violation of heraldic law, though enforcement mechanisms in the 21st century are, by the College's own admission, 'somewhat limited.' The tattoo artist has since reported a surge in requests for 'personal coats of arms,' which Gules described as 'deeply troubling.'