Libertarian Candidate Promises to Eliminate Department He Cannot Name

Congressional candidate and Libertarian Party nominee Rex Freehold drew applause at a campaign rally Tuesday when he vowed to eliminate a federal department whose name he was unable to produce, despite several confident attempts. 'On my first day in office, I will abolish the Department of...' Freehold began, to cheers from the crowd of approximately 200 supporters. He then paused, looked at the ceiling, and continued: '...the Department of... it's the one that does the thing with the permits. You know the one. The regulatory one. With the building.' After a fifteen-second silence, Freehold pivoted. 'There are so many departments that need abolishing that it's actually difficult to choose just one,' he said. 'That's how bloated the federal government is. I can't even keep track of all the agencies I want to destroy.' Campaign spokesperson Liberty Bell later clarified that Freehold was referring to 'multiple departments simultaneously,' which caused the momentary confusion. She declined to specify which departments, saying the campaign preferred to 'maintain strategic ambiguity to keep bureaucrats on their toes.' The crowd appeared largely unbothered. 'I don't care which department he eliminates,' said attendee Clint Voluntas. 'Just pick one. They're all unconstitutional anyway.' Freehold's platform also includes proposals to replace the Federal Reserve with a network of competing private currencies, eliminate speed limits on all federal highways, and privatize the National Weather Service, which he argues 'creates a moral hazard by giving people free information about storms they should be personally prepared for.'