Punctuation's Predicament: Oxford Comma Files for Existential Leave

The Oxford comma, that oft-debated sentinel of grammatical precision, has reportedly filed for a temporary leave of absence, citing ‘acute identity crisis’ and ‘chronic under-appreciation.’ Sources within the Punctuation Collective (a surprisingly militant group, mostly comprised of semicolons and em dashes) suggest the comma feels increasingly superfluous in the age of breathless, run-on sentences and the relentless march of internet slang. “It’s just… exhausting,” a tearful period, acting as the comma’s spokesperson, confided. “Everyone’s just *listing* things now, and nobody seems to care about clarity! They just want speed! It’s a tragedy, really. A grammatical tragedy.” The comma’s absence is already causing ripples. A local bakery, previously known for its ‘apples, oranges and pears’ pies, has been forced to rebrand as ‘apples oranges and pears pies’ – a move that has sparked outrage amongst fruit-based dessert enthusiasts. Linguists are divided. Professor Quentin Quibble of the Institute for Utterly Pointless Research argues the comma’s departure is a ‘natural evolution of language,’ while Dr. Beatrice Bracket vehemently disagrees, stating, “Without the Oxford comma, civilization *will* crumble! Think of the ambiguity! Think of the kittens!” The comma is expected to spend its leave ‘finding itself’ at a remote monastery dedicated to the study of enjambment. Whether it will return, and in what form, remains a question mark… a question mark that, ironically, is perfectly content with its own existence.