Record Label Execs Now Requiring Artists to Pass 'Vibe Check' Administered by Algorithm

Sources deep within the polished, soul-crushing heart of the music industry (read: a disgruntled barista at a trendy Silver Lake coffee shop frequented by A&R reps) report a disturbing new trend. Major labels are now implementing 'Vibe Checks' – algorithmic assessments of potential artists’ online presence – *before* even listening to their music. Apparently, a low ‘Authenticity Score’ (determined by analyzing emoji usage, frequency of humblebrags, and the ratio of dog photos to self-promotion) is now a dealbreaker. “It’s about brand synergy, Ace,” confided our source, nervously stirring their oat milk latte. “We need artists who *look* like they genuinely enjoy existing, even if their music sounds like a robot having an existential crisis. Authenticity is… marketable, you see.” The algorithm, reportedly nicknamed ‘The Mood Machine,’ is said to be particularly harsh on artists who express any form of political opinion, admit to liking Nickelback, or have ever used the word ‘lit.’ One indie folk singer, who wished to remain anonymous (because, you know, career), claims she was rejected after The Mood Machine flagged her for “excessive use of sepia filters” and “a concerning number of posts about foraging for mushrooms.” Meanwhile, sales of pre-packaged ‘Authenticity Kits’ – including vintage band t-shirts, ethically sourced crystals, and a guide to mastering the ‘effortlessly cool’ selfie – are reportedly skyrocketing. The future of music, folks, is less about talent and more about convincing a computer you’re having a good time. Frankly, it’s exhausting just thinking about it. I need a drink.