Man Who Bought 'Professional Grade' Field Guide Has Never Left the Suburbs

Suburban resident Gary Fieldmouse has invested over eight hundred dollars in professional-grade field identification guides covering the complete flora and fauna of the British Isles, despite never having ventured further into nature than the ornamental pond at the Westbrook Retail Park. Fieldmouse's collection, displayed prominently on a purpose-built bookshelf in his living room, includes the six-volume Comprehensive Flora, the Atlas of British Mammals, the Collins Bird Guide (both standard and leather-bound editions), and a specialist key to freshwater invertebrates that he describes as 'aspirational.' 'I like to be prepared,' Fieldmouse explained, adjusting the angle of his unused hand lens. 'You never know when you might need to identify a rare orchid or distinguish between two closely related species of hawkweed. I want to be ready for that moment.' The moment has not yet arrived. Fieldmouse's most recent wildlife observation, recorded in his virgin Moleskine field notebook, reads: 'Tuesday. Magpie on fence. Possibly two magpies. Need better angle.' His wife, Sandra, reports that Gary has been 'on the verge of going on a nature walk' for approximately three years. 'He's got the boots. He's got the waterproofs. He bought a hand-forged walking stick from an artisan in the Lake District, online. He just hasn't gone anywhere yet.' Fieldmouse has announced plans to join the local naturalists' walking group 'once he's finished reading the introductory chapters.' He is currently on page seven of the Flora, which covers Taraxacum, the dandelion genus. 'It's more complex than people realize,' he said.