The Naturalist's Notice

Observing absurdity in its natural habitat

Society Field Trip Covers 200 Meters in Six Hours, Declares 'Great Progress'

The group paused for forty minutes at a patch of dog's mercury and never fully recovered its momentum.

Naturalist Insists Squirrel Has Been 'Following' Him for Three Weeks

He has named it 'Nemesis,' logged its movements in a dedicated notebook, and filed a report with the local wildlife trust that they are unsure how to categorize.

Man Completes 30-Year Project to Catalogue Every Wildflower on His Street

The final tally of 14 species has been submitted to the county recorder, who has described the work as 'thorough, if somewhat geographically limited.'

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Moss Identification Argument Enters Third Calendar Year

Both parties have submitted specimens to the Natural History Museum, which has asked them to please stop.

Local Pond Declared 'Too Popular' After Third Naturalist Falls In This Month

The council is considering installing railings, which the Naturalists' Society has condemned as 'an unconscionable barrier between the observer and the observed.'

Retired Teacher's Garden Bird Count Becomes Full Military Operation

The kitchen has been converted into a command center with binoculars, spreadsheets, and a laminated identification protocol she calls 'the dossier.'

Award-Winning Nature Essay Turns Out to Be About Author's Divorce

The 5,000-word meditation on the 'silent persistence of the English yew' has been described by judges as 'hauntingly beautiful' and by the author's ex-wife as 'barely disguised.'

Naturalist's 'Quick Walk' Enters Its Ninth Hour

His wife has been informed he will 'just be twenty minutes' and has since cancelled dinner reservations, rescheduled a plumber, and started a new book.

Man Who Bought 'Professional Grade' Field Guide Has Never Left the Suburbs

The 1,200-page Comprehensive Flora of the British Isles sits on his coffee table with a bookmark on page seven, which covers dandelions.

Heated Debate Erupts Over Whether Lichen Counts as 'Exciting'

The society's annual excitement ranking has placed lichen last for the 23rd consecutive year, prompting a strongly worded letter and a resignation.

Wildlife Photographer Achieves Perfect Shot After 400 Hours in Hide, Subject Is a Rat

The image captures a common brown rat in 'exquisite golden light' and has been described as 'technically flawless but spiritually devastating.'

Nature Journal Perfectionist Has Not Observed Nature Since March

She has been refining the border illustration on page 14 and insists the violets 'aren't right yet.'

Species Naming Rights Auction Raises Questions, Very Little Money

The highest bid of twelve dollars was for a newly discovered beetle, which the winner has named 'Kevin' after his estranged brother-in-law.

Binocular Brand Loyalty Tears Local Nature Club Apart

The Great Swarovski-Zeiss Schism has resulted in separate meeting times, incompatible field trip schedules, and one very tense potluck.

Field Naturalist Spends 11 Hours Describing a Single Leaf

The 47-page journal entry includes detailed watercolor renderings, a section on 'emotional resonance,' and a plea to name the leaf after his mother.