Species Naming Rights Auction Raises Questions, Very Little Money

The Midlands Naturalist Foundation's inaugural Species Naming Rights Auction concluded Saturday evening with total proceeds of forty-seven dollars and what organizers described as 'a number of important lessons learned.' The event, intended to raise funds for habitat conservation by selling the naming rights to recently documented invertebrate species, attracted fourteen bidders, most of whom appeared to be settling personal scores. The evening's highest bid of twelve dollars secured the naming rights to a previously undescribed dung beetle (Scarabaeidae, genus pending), which the winner, Derek Potts of Shrewsbury, immediately named 'Kevin' after his estranged brother-in-law. 'Kevin knows what he did,' Potts said. 'And now he shares a taxonomic classification with an insect that lives in cow manure. That feels right.' Other notable purchases included a millipede named 'Mrs. Henderson's Extension' after a neighbor's planning dispute, and a soil mite christened 'That Bloke Who Cut Me Off on the A49.' Foundation director Dr. Eleanor Rootstock expressed measured satisfaction. 'We had hoped the event would celebrate biodiversity and inspire stewardship,' she said. 'Instead, it appears to have functioned primarily as a vehicle for petty grievances. But we did raise forty-seven dollars, which will purchase approximately one square meter of hedgerow.' The foundation has announced plans for a second auction in autumn, with new rules prohibiting 'obviously vindictive nomenclature.'