The Planner's Platform

Apply urban planning frameworks to domestic spaces. Roast parking minimums and single-family zoning with technical accuracy.

Urban Planner Develops Perfect Comprehensive Plan, City Council Uses It as Coaster

The 400-page document, produced over two years with $300,000 in public funding and extensive community engagement, was adopted unanimously and has influenced zero subsequent decisions.

Jaywalking Crackdown Targets Pedestrians on Street With No Sidewalks

Police issued 47 citations in one week to people walking in the road, which is the only available surface since the city never built pedestrian infrastructure.

Community Input Session for New Park Produces 847 Conflicting Requirements, Park Now Impossible

Residents simultaneously demanded 'more open green space,' 'a dog park,' 'no dogs,' 'a splash pad,' 'no children,' 'a concert venue,' and 'absolute silence.'

Traffic Engineer's Perfectly Modeled Intersection Works Flawlessly Except in the Presence of Actual Humans

The $4 million intersection redesign performs beautifully in simulation and catastrophically in reality, which the engineer attributes to 'non-compliant user behavior.'

Minimum Parking Requirement Forces Restaurant to Build More Parking Lot Than Restaurant

The 2,000-square-foot eatery is required by code to provide 8,000 square feet of parking, which the owner describes as 'an asphalt ocean with a kitchen attached.'

Suburban Cul-De-Sac Achieves Perfect Isolation Score, Residents Must Drive 4 Miles to Buy Milk

The development, designed with 'privacy and exclusivity in mind,' has achieved a Walk Score of 2 out of 100, which the developer describes as 'aspirational.'

City's New Complete Streets Policy Produces Street That Is Complete in All Ways Except Being a Functional Street

The $8 million redesign includes bike lanes, bioswales, rain gardens, public art, and widened sidewalks, but drivers, cyclists, and pedestrians all report being unable to figure out how to use it.

Historic Preservation Board Blocks Demolition of Building That No One Can Identify or Locate

The board voted 4-1 to protect the structure's 'historic character' despite being unable to confirm its address, age, architectural style, or whether it currently exists.

Walkability Consultant Hired to Improve Downtown, Immediately Hit by Car

The nationally recognized pedestrian safety expert was struck while crossing the street to the building where she was scheduled to present her pedestrian safety recommendations.

Public Transit Hearing Dominated by People Who Drove There

Of the 200 attendees who showed up to oppose the bus rapid transit line, 197 arrived by car and parked in a lot that would not exist if the BRT had been built in 2015.

City Spends $3 Million on Bike Lane That Ends Abruptly at Highway On-Ramp

Cyclists following the new protected lane are deposited directly into a 55 mph merge zone with a sign reading 'Good Luck' that the city insists is 'not official.'

New Mixed-Use Development Approved After Developer Removes Everything That Made It Mixed-Use

The project, originally featuring ground-floor retail, a daycare, and a community garden, was approved once reduced to 'a single-use building with a lobby that has a plant in it.'

Stroad Wins 'Most Dangerous Road' Award for 15th Consecutive Year, City Celebrates With Ribbon-Cutting

The seven-lane arterial that is 'too fast to be a street and too slow to be a road' was honored at a ceremony that three attendees were nearly hit by cars trying to reach.

Neighborhood Unanimously Opposes Apartment Building, Unanimously Complains There's Nowhere Affordable to Live

The same residents who packed a zoning hearing to block 60 units of housing later told reporters they 'can't understand why rent keeps going up.'

City Adds 400 Parking Spaces to Solve Traffic Problem Created by Previous 400 Parking Spaces

The municipal council has approved a $12 million expansion of downtown parking, confident that this time induced demand 'probably won't apply.'