Local News Anchor Declares 'Objectivity' After Accidentally Live-Tweeting His Dating App Profile

It’s a slow news cycle, folks, even *for* us, the paper *about* the news. But even slow cycles deliver gold, and today’s gold comes in the form of Brent Worthington, evening news anchor for Channel 7. Worthington, known for his steely gaze and pronouncements on ‘both sides,’ apparently forgot which ‘side’ he was broadcasting on during a commercial break. Sources (read: someone screenshotted it and sent it to us) confirm a series of increasingly desperate swipes and bio updates were broadcast *over* the local weather report. Worthington has since issued a statement, claiming the incident was a ‘test of journalistic integrity’ – a bold claim considering the integrity in question was actively seeking a ‘fun, adventurous woman who doesn’t mind a man who still uses the phrase ‘Netflix and chill.’ He further declared his unwavering commitment to ‘objective reporting,’ which, frankly, is hilarious. The station is reportedly ‘reviewing its internal protocols,’ which, knowing local TV, probably means they’re installing a ‘Do Not Tweet While On Air’ sign. We at the *Journalist Journal* suggest a more robust solution: a full-body Faraday cage. Or, you know, maybe just *not* using dating apps during work hours. But where’s the fun in that? This whole debacle just proves what we’ve always known: everyone’s got an agenda, and sometimes it’s just finding someone to watch ‘Bridgerton’ with. Worthington’s ratings are, predictably, through the roof. Apparently, authenticity sells, even when it’s accidentally broadcast to thousands of unsuspecting viewers.