Hand Puppet Union Demands Better Working Conditions, Specifically Asks Operators to 'Wash Your Hands'

The International Brotherhood of Hand and Glove Puppets (IBHGP), a newly formed labor organization representing approximately 3,000 fabric puppets nationwide, held its inaugural press conference Monday to present a list of workplace demands, chief among them a requirement that operators 'wash their hands before insertion.' 'We are not asking for much,' said IBHGP spokesperson Chester — a green felt frog puppet operated by an anonymous union representative whose arm was visible but whose face was not. 'We are asking for basic hygiene. Clean hands before performance. No eating Cheetos and then immediately putting your hand inside a colleague. This should not be controversial.' The union's twelve-point platform also includes demands for climate-controlled storage ('not a cardboard box in the garage'), regular dry cleaning ('some of us have not been laundered since the Clinton administration'), and retirement benefits for puppets deemed 'too threadbare for public performance.' 'I've been in active service for nineteen years,' said Madame Buttons, a sock puppet who has been performing at children's birthday parties since 2007. 'My googly eye is hanging by a thread. My felt mouth is delaminating. I've requested repairs three times and been told to "hold it together," which I cannot do, because I am a sock.' The Puppeteers of America, the industry's primary professional organization, issued a statement acknowledging 'the legitimate concerns of our puppet colleagues' while noting that 'formal labor negotiations with inanimate objects present certain procedural challenges.' The IBHGP has threatened a work stoppage if demands are not met, which Chester acknowledged would manifest as 'lying motionless in a pile, which is also what we do when demands are met, but it will be a different kind of motionless. A deliberate kind.'