The Puppeteer's Post

Present public figures as marionettes. Use puppetry craft terminology throughout.

Puppeteer's Carpal Tunnel Claim Denied After Insurance Company Rules Puppet 'Did All the Work'

The insurer's letter states that 'the claimant's hand was merely inside a puppet, which is not the same as manual labor,' a distinction the puppeteer describes as 'medically and existentially wrong.'

Children's Puppet Show Interrupted by Toddler Who Walks Behind Stage and Ruins the Illusion for Everyone

The two-year-old wandered behind the booth, pointed at the puppeteer, and announced 'It's just a lady' to an audience of thirty children whose worldview has been permanently altered.

Bunraku Master Retires After Spending 30 Years as Left Hand Operator, Never Got Promoted to Head

The hidarizukai spent three decades operating the left arm of a female puppet, achieving what colleagues describe as 'the most expressive left hand in the history of Japanese puppet theatre.'

Puppet Theatre Company's Avant-Garde Show So Abstract Audience Doesn't Realize It Has Started

Forty-five minutes into the performance, attendees were still waiting in the lobby for 'the actual show' while the puppeteers performed to an empty auditorium.

Puppet Maker's Etsy Shop Flooded With Requests for 'Cursed-Looking' Marionettes After One Goes Viral

The artisan's painstakingly crafted traditional figures are being ignored in favor of one 'unsettling' prototype she made at 3 AM while sleep-deprived, which has sold 200 units.

Museum Acquires 'Historically Significant' Puppet, Discovers It's Just a Mitten With Googly Eyes

The Smithsonian paid $12,000 for what was described as 'a proto-puppet of the American folk tradition' that turned out to be 'a child's lost mitten with craft supplies glued to it.'

String Theorist Accidentally Attends Puppetry Conference, Finds It More Productive Than Physics Conference

The physicist spent two days at the International Marionette Symposium before realizing the 'strings' under discussion were literal, by which point she had 'learned more than at CERN.'

Puppetry MFA Program Graduates Entire Class of 12, All Now Working in Marketing

The prestigious three-year program, which costs $87,000 in tuition, has a 100 percent employment rate — just not in puppetry.

Punch and Judy Show Deemed 'Too Violent' by Committee That Apparently Just Learned What Punch and Judy Is

The centuries-old tradition of a puppet beating other puppets with a stick has been flagged by a parks and recreation advisory board that 'genuinely did not see this coming.'

Puppet Maker Spends 400 Hours Carving Marionette, Child Plays With It for 6 Minutes

The master carver's hand-articulated linden wood figure, featuring 32 individual joints and silk costuming, was abandoned in favor of 'a stick with a face drawn on it.'

Sock Puppet Elected President of Homeowner's Association, Accomplishes More Than Previous Three Human Presidents

The argyle sock figure, operated by a fed-up resident who attended the meeting 'as a joke,' has resolved four longstanding disputes and balanced the budget in its first month.

Shadow Puppet Festival Canceled Due to Excessively Sunny Weather

Organizers insist that 'too much light is as problematic as too little' after ambient sunshine rendered all shadow screens invisible to outdoor audiences.

Ventriloquist's Dummy Wins Debate Against Ventriloquist, Crowd Unsure Who to Applaud

The wooden figure presented 'a more coherent fiscal policy' during a staged comedic debate, leading audience members to question 'who is really in charge here.'

Hand Puppet Union Demands Better Working Conditions, Specifically Asks Operators to 'Wash Your Hands'

The newly formed collective representing over 3,000 glove puppets has issued a list of workplace grievances topped by 'the hygiene situation inside us.'

Marionette Develops Stage Fright, Puppeteer Unsure How to Proceed

The hand-carved basswood figure has reportedly refused to perform for three consecutive shows, hanging limply from its control bar in what its operator describes as 'a protest of some kind.'

Puppet Collector's Insurance Claim Denied After Adjuster Rules That 400 Puppets 'Constitute a Haunting, Not a Collection'

The adjuster's report describes the home as containing 'approximately 400 figures of various sizes, all of which appear to be watching the front door.'

Bunraku Master Retires After 50 Years, Replacement Requires Three People and None of Them Want the Legs

The centuries-old tradition requires one puppeteer for the head and right arm, one for the left arm, and one for the legs, a position that has gone unfilled for six months.

Puppeteer Develops Carpal Tunnel From 40 Years of Making Puppets Talk, Puppet Forced to Deliver the Diagnosis

The puppeteer's hand specialist recommended rest and a wrist brace, which the puppet relayed in a voice the puppeteer insists 'was not how I would have phrased it.'

Puppet Festival Judge Disqualified After It Emerges He Has Been a Puppet the Entire Time

The judge, who served on the panel for seven years, was exposed when a fellow judge noticed he 'never blinked and had a visible seam along his jawline.'

Controversial Study Claims Puppets Experience 'Stored Emotional Memory,' Puppeteers Demand Therapy Coverage

The paper, published in the Journal of Applied Puppetology, argues that puppets absorb the emotional states of their operators and may require 'periodic decompression.'

Puppet Maker Spends 600 Hours Carving Marionette That Audience Member Describes as 'Creepy Little Guy'

The artisan, who hand-carved every joint from a single block of linden wood, watched as a child pointed at the puppet and asked his mother 'why that thing is staring at me.'

Shadow Puppet Master Claims He Invented All Other Puppet Forms, Presents 40,000-Year-Old Cave Painting as Evidence

The master puppeteer argues that a hand silhouette in a French cave proves shadow puppetry predates every other tradition, which he says makes him 'everyone's artistic grandfather.'

Puppet Hospital Reports Surge in 'Performance Injuries' as Puppet Stunts Grow More Dangerous

The Prague Institute of Puppet Medicine has treated 340 puppets this year for injuries ranging from detached limbs to 'acute felt fatigue.'

Sock Puppet Achieves Tenure at University Drama Department, Faculty Divided

Professor Argyle, a tube sock with googly eyes, has published more papers than half the department and 'never misses office hours,' though accessibility remains limited.

Marionette Maintenance Backlog Reaches Critical Levels as Puppets Report 'Existential Tangling'

The National Puppet Preservation Society warns that 4,000 marionettes are in urgent need of restringing, with some experiencing 'string entropy so severe they can no longer stand.'

Children's Show Audition Descends Into Chaos as 47 Puppeteers Compete for Single 'Friendly Dragon' Role

The audition, originally scheduled for two hours, stretched to nine as each puppeteer insisted on performing their 'unique interpretation' of a dragon who teaches kids about sharing.

Puppet Construction Material Wars Escalate as Felt Partisans Denounce Foam as 'Soulless'

The centuries-old felt tradition is under siege from foam fabricators, who counter that felt is 'a textile from the Bronze Age that smells like wet sheep.'

Hand Puppet Faction Walks Out of Puppetry Convention, Accuses Marionettes of 'String Privilege'

The 47-member delegation stormed out after a panel on 'Articulation Across Traditions' devoted 55 of its 60 minutes to string-based performance techniques.

Ventriloquist's Dummy Achieves Better Audience Rating Than Ventriloquist, Files for Solo Career

The dummy, known professionally as 'Mr. Chuckles,' has retained an agent and told reporters that 'the hand up my back has been holding me back.'

String Puppet Union Demands 'Living Wage' of Three Tugs Per Scene, Cites Centuries of Exploitation

The newly formed International Brotherhood of Marionettes argues that two tugs per scene constitutes 'subsistence manipulation' and has threatened to go limp.