Sock Puppet Achieves Tenure at University Drama Department, Faculty Divided

The Drama Department at Whitfield University has granted tenure to Professor Argyle, a brown tube sock with two googly eyes and a yarn mouth, following a unanimous vote by the tenure committee that has split the broader faculty into what the provost described as 'two irreconcilable camps.' Professor Argyle, who has been a visiting lecturer in the department's puppetry program for six years, compiled a tenure dossier that includes 14 peer-reviewed publications, three successful grant applications, and student evaluations that consistently rank in the top 5 percent of the department. 'The publication record speaks for itself,' said tenure committee chair Dr. Sandra Stage. 'Professor Argyle has published in every major puppetry journal. The teaching evaluations are extraordinary. Students describe the professor as approachable, engaging, and having an excellent mouth-to-hand ratio.' Opposition came primarily from the theater studies wing, where faculty argued that a sock puppet cannot hold tenure because it is, in the words of one dissenting professor, 'a sock.' 'I have nothing against Professor Argyle personally,' said Dr. Richard Proscenium. 'But at some point, we need to acknowledge that we are granting lifetime employment to a piece of hosiery. The professor does not have a PhD. The professor does not have hands. The professor does not have independent mobility. The professor is worn by Dr. Elaine Cotton of the puppetry program, who already has tenure.' Dr. Cotton denied that she and Professor Argyle are the same entity. 'Professor Argyle has a distinct pedagogical voice, independent research interests, and a teaching style that is quite different from mine,' she said, adjusting the sock on her hand. 'We merely share a physical platform.' The provost has certified the tenure decision. Professor Argyle's office hours are Tuesdays and Thursdays, 2 to 4 p.m., or 'whenever Dr. Cotton's hand is available.'