Punch and Judy Show Deemed 'Too Violent' by Committee That Apparently Just Learned What Punch and Judy Is

The Seaside Parks and Recreation Advisory Board has voted to ban traditional Punch and Judy performances from the municipal boardwalk after board members attended a show for the first time and discovered that the 362-year-old theatrical tradition consists primarily of 'a puppet hitting things with a stick for thirty minutes.' 'We approved the permit based on the application, which described it as "traditional British puppet theatre suitable for all ages,"' said board chair Patricia Gentle. 'No one mentioned the domestic violence, the child endangerment, the assault on a police officer, or the crocodile. Especially the crocodile.' The show in question, performed by veteran Punch and Judy professor Derek Swatchell, follows the standard script that has been performed on English beaches, fairs, and public spaces since 1662. The narrative involves Mr. Punch, an exuberant sociopath, systematically attacking his wife Judy, their baby, a police constable, a doctor, a crocodile, and the Devil, using a slapstick and his distinctive 'swazzle' voice. 'Every element of this show would be a felony if performed by humans,' Gentle noted, consulting her minutes. 'He throws a baby. He hits a police officer. He defeats the Devil, which I suppose is positive, but the method is battery.' Swatchell defended the tradition vigorously. 'Punch and Judy has been performed continuously since the Restoration,' he said. 'It survived the Great Fire of London, two world wars, and the invention of television. It is anarchic, transgressive, and cathartic. Also, it's puppets. They're made of wood. No one is actually being hit.' The board has offered to reinstate the permit if Swatchell modifies the show to remove violence. Swatchell has calculated that this would reduce the running time from thirty minutes to approximately ninety seconds. 'That's the entrance and the curtain call,' he said. 'Everything in between is hitting.'