Antimatter Shortage Forces CERN to Accept IOUs From the Universe

CERN's antimatter research program has been forced to accept promissory notes from the observable universe after discovering that the cosmos owes approximately 10^80 antiprotons that it apparently 'never got around to producing.' The deficit, known formally as the baryon asymmetry problem, has puzzled physicists since the 1960s. The Big Bang should have created equal amounts of matter and antimatter, but the universe is composed almost entirely of regular matter, with antimatter conspicuously absent. 'We've been polite about this for decades,' said CERN Director-General Dr. Alessandra Symmetry. 'But we need that antimatter. We have experiments to run. The universe can't just not produce half of what it promised and expect nobody to notice.' In a formal letter addressed to 'The Observable Universe, c/o The Cosmic Microwave Background,' CERN demanded the immediate production and delivery of the missing antimatter, or failing that, 'a written explanation and a realistic timeline for resolution.' The universe has reportedly responded through subtle fluctuations in the cosmic microwave background radiation, which when decoded translate roughly to 'new antimatter who dis.' 'This is exactly the kind of fiscal irresponsibility we've come to expect from an inflationary universe,' said Dr. Symmetry. CERN's finance department has valued the missing antimatter at approximately $62.5 trillion per gram times 10^80 grams, a sum that exceeds the GDP of all civilizations that have ever existed by a factor of, as one accountant put it, 'don't even ask.' The universe has not indicated when it plans to settle the debt.