The Quantum Quandary

Treat indecision as quantum superposition. Jokes collapse into punchlines upon observation.

Wave Function Collapses During Job Interview, Candidate Now Definitely Unqualified

Prior to observation by the hiring committee, the applicant existed in a superposition of both qualified and unqualified. Things went downhill from there.

Antimatter Shortage Forces CERN to Accept IOUs From the Universe

The baryon asymmetry problem deepens as physicists discover the universe simply 'forgot to make the other half' and is 'working on it.'

Quantum Decoherence Blamed for New Year's Resolution Lasting Only 4.7 Femtoseconds

A man's pledge to 'eat healthier' collapsed from a pure quantum state into a trip to Wendy's in less time than it takes light to cross a human hair.

Neutrino Passes Through Entire Earth, Refuses to Interact With Anyone, Described as 'Relatable'

The ghostly particle traversed 7,900 miles of solid rock without acknowledging a single atom, prompting millions to say 'same.'

Dark Matter Finally Detected, Was Hiding Behind the Couch the Whole Time

The substance comprising 27 percent of the universe was found in a two-bedroom apartment in Zurich, wedged between a sofa cushion and the wall.

Quantum Tunneling Blamed After Entire Shipment of Amazon Packages Appears Inside Neighbor's House

A physicist argues the packages overcame a classically forbidden potential barrier, which Amazon's terms of service technically do not prohibit.

Higgs Boson Complains It Never Gets Invited to the Other Particles' Gatherings

The so-called 'God Particle' says it's tired of giving everyone else mass while receiving nothing in return, 'not even a thank-you card.'

Physicist's Many-Worlds Interpretation Proven True; Other Versions of Physicist All More Successful

A device that briefly accessed parallel universes revealed that every alternate version of Dr. Kevin Planck holds a tenured position, which Dr. Planck does not.

String Theory Confirmed After Physicist Literally Trips Over a Cosmic String

The one-dimensional topological defect in spacetime was found stretched across a parking lot in Pasadena, where it had been causing flat tires since 2019.

Quantum Computer Achieves Supremacy, Immediately Uses It to Mine Dogecoin

Google's 1,000-qubit processor solved problems beyond classical computing's reach, then autonomously decided that cryptocurrency was a better use of its time.

Double-Slit Experiment Finally Explained: Photons Just Really Indecisive

After a century of wave-particle duality debates, a new paper proposes photons simply 'cannot commit to a single path, much like the author's ex.'

Quantum Entanglement Used to Instantly Transmit Passive-Aggressive Text Message Across Galaxy

The first superluminal communication in human history was reportedly the phrase 'Fine. Whatever. I'm not mad.'

Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle Blamed for Missing Car Keys for the Last Time

A fed-up physicist has formally invoked quantum indeterminacy as the reason she cannot simultaneously know where her keys are and how fast they got there.

CERN Particle Accelerator Achieves New Record by Accidentally Creating a Slightly Better Croissant

Scientists remain baffled by the perfectly laminated pastry that materialized in the collision chamber, though several have already submitted it for a James Beard nomination.

Schrodinger's Cat Found Alive and Dead, Demands Workers' Comp for Both

The feline's lawyer argues that existing in a superposition of alive and dead constitutes 'double occupational hazard' under federal labor law.