Higgs Boson Complains It Never Gets Invited to the Other Particles' Gatherings

The Higgs boson, the elementary particle responsible for giving all other particles their mass through the Higgs field, held a rare press conference Wednesday to address what it called 'a persistent and hurtful pattern of social exclusion by the Standard Model.' 'I literally make them what they are,' the Higgs boson said through a spokesperson at CERN, as it cannot be directly observed for more than a yoctosecond. 'Without me, the W boson has no mass. The Z boson has no mass. The top quark? Zero mass. They'd all just be zipping around at the speed of light with no substance whatsoever. And do they invite me to the strong force gatherings? They do not.' The boson's grievances, outlined in a 47-page document titled 'On the Asymmetry of Gratitude in Particle Interactions,' detail numerous instances of exclusion. These include being left out of a photon's birthday party ('I wasn't even on the mailing list'), not being thanked in the electron's Nobel citation, and being referred to exclusively as 'the God Particle' in media coverage. 'Do you know how much pressure that nickname creates?' the boson said. 'I'm not God. I'm a spin-zero scalar boson with a mass of 125 GeV. The expectations are completely unreasonable.' The other particles of the Standard Model released a joint statement expressing 'respect and appreciation' for the Higgs boson while noting that 'social gatherings among fundamental particles are, by nature, probabilistic and should not be interpreted as deliberate snubs.' The photon, which is massless and therefore has no direct interaction with the Higgs field, declined to comment, calling the situation 'not my problem.'