Physicist's Many-Worlds Interpretation Proven True; Other Versions of Physicist All More Successful

The Many-Worlds Interpretation of quantum mechanics received dramatic experimental validation Monday when a device at Fermilab briefly opened observational windows into 14 parallel universes — revealing that alternate versions of the project's lead researcher, Dr. Kevin Planck, are uniformly more accomplished than the original. 'The multiverse is real, and I'm the worst version of me in it,' Dr. Planck said in a monotone during a press conference that his department chair described as 'technically a triumph.' The device, a modified Stern-Gerlach apparatus powered by what the team calls 'an inadvisable amount of electricity,' provided brief glimpses into parallel branches of reality. In Universe 7, Dr. Planck holds an endowed chair at Oxford. In Universe 11, he won the Nobel Prize in 2023. In Universe 3, he is the lead guitarist of a moderately successful indie rock band. 'Even rock-star Kevin has better publication metrics than I do,' said Dr. Planck, reviewing the data. 'He has a Nature paper. About chord progressions. It's been cited 800 times.' The only universe in which an alternate Dr. Planck appeared to be less successful was Universe 14, where he was observed working as a parking enforcement officer. However, closer observation revealed that Universe 14 Kevin 'seemed genuinely happy,' which Dr. Planck conceded 'is arguably a greater achievement.' Dr. Planck's funding request to keep the device operational was denied. The committee noted that 'the scientific value of the discovery is immense, but the psychological damage to the PI is becoming a liability.'