Quantum Decoherence Blamed for New Year's Resolution Lasting Only 4.7 Femtoseconds

Topeka resident and amateur quantum enthusiast Dale Superposition has attributed the near-instantaneous failure of his New Year's resolution to quantum decoherence, claiming the resolution existed in a 'pure motivated state' for only 4.7 femtoseconds before environmental interaction caused it to collapse. 'At midnight on January 1st, I existed in a superposition of a person who eats salads and a person who does not,' Superposition explained from a Wendy's drive-through at 12:03 a.m. 'But the thermal noise of the environment — specifically, the smell of a Baconator — caused rapid decoherence of my resolve.' Superposition's paper on the phenomenon, submitted to the Journal of Motivational Physics (a publication he founded on Substack), posits that all human intentions exist initially as quantum states that are 'exquisitely sensitive to perturbation by fast food.' 'In a perfectly isolated system, my resolution could have maintained coherence indefinitely,' he wrote. 'But we do not live in a perfectly isolated system. We live near a Wendy's that is open 24 hours.' Physicists have responded to the paper with what the community calls 'strained patience.' 'Human willpower is not a quantum system,' said Dr. Clara Boltzmann of the University of Chicago. 'Decoherence occurs at the scale of individual particles interacting with their environment, not at the scale of a grown man who wants a hamburger.' Superposition remains undeterred. His next paper will explore whether his inability to go to the gym can be modeled as a quantum Zeno effect, in which 'constant self-observation prevents any state change from occurring.'