Schrodinger's Cat Found Alive and Dead, Demands Workers' Comp for Both

In a landmark case that has sent shockwaves through both the legal and quantum physics communities, the cat from Erwin Schrodinger's famous 1935 thought experiment has retained counsel and filed for workers' compensation in two simultaneous states of being. The cat, identified in court documents only as 'Subject Psi,' appeared in federal court Monday via a sealed box equipped with a video link that the judge was advised not to open. 'My client has been trapped in an unresolved superposition for nearly a century,' said attorney Rachel Eigenstate of the firm Eigenstate & Decoherence LLP. 'That's 89 years of being both alive and dead with no health benefits, no retirement plan, and absolutely zero treats.' The defense, representing the Schrodinger Estate, argued that the cat's condition is 'purely theoretical' and that compensating a hypothetical entity would set a dangerous precedent. 'If we pay this cat, every thought experiment in physics will lawyer up,' said estate representative Klaus Hamiltonian. 'The frictionless plane will sue for unemployment. The massless rope will file a discrimination claim.' Quantum physicists have been subpoenaed as expert witnesses but have proven unreliable. Dr. Fiona Planck of MIT testified that the cat 'both does and does not have a valid claim,' which the judge noted was 'profoundly unhelpful.' The case is expected to reach the Supreme Court, where it will exist in a superposition of overturned and upheld until the justices observe the ruling.