Quantum Entanglement Used to Instantly Transmit Passive-Aggressive Text Message Across Galaxy

In what NASA is calling a 'historic if somewhat disappointing first contact scenario,' scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory successfully used quantum entanglement to transmit a text message instantaneously across 47,000 light-years — only to discover the message read 'Fine. Whatever. I'm not mad.' The transmission, which exploited a pair of entangled photons to achieve instantaneous communication with a research station in the Sagittarius arm of the Milky Way, represents a breakthrough in faster-than-light information transfer. 'We spent fourteen years and $2.3 billion developing this technology,' said project lead Dr. Nadia Spinor, staring at the received message on a monitor. 'And the first thing someone sends is the universal hallmark of being absolutely, furiously mad.' Investigators traced the message to Dr. Kevin Qubit, a junior researcher who had been denied a window office earlier that morning. Dr. Qubit maintains that the message was 'a perfectly neutral statement of emotional equilibrium' and that he sent it as 'a test string with no deeper meaning.' Colleagues noted that Dr. Qubit followed up the initial transmission with three additional entangled messages: 'K,' 'cool,' and a single period. 'The no-communication theorem states that entanglement cannot transmit classical information,' said theorist Dr. Yuki Bell. 'And yet, somehow, the passive aggression came through with perfect fidelity. This may require a revision of the theorem.' The receiving station has not responded, which Dr. Qubit described as 'typical.'