Steam Locomotive Enthusiasts Reject Electric Trains as 'Soulless Tubes of Disappointment'

The Brotherhood of Live Steam, a 4,700-member organization dedicated to the preservation and operation of coal-fired steam locomotives, has published a 23-page manifesto declaring electric and diesel trains to be 'soulless tubes of disappointment that have betrayed the fundamental covenant between human and locomotive.' The document, titled 'The Firebox Manifesto: A Defense of Steam in the Age of Electrification,' was distributed at last weekend's National Railway Historical Society convention and has since gone viral in railfan communities worldwide. 'A steam locomotive breathes,' reads the manifesto's opening paragraph. 'It exhales. It sweats. It requires constant attention and rewards that attention with a symphony of mechanical effort. An electric train requires nothing. It gives nothing. It is a refrigerator that moves.' The manifesto devotes four pages to what it calls 'the sensory bankruptcy of modern rail,' arguing that electric trains deprive passengers of 'the smell of hot oil and coal smoke, the rhythmic exhaust beat of a compound expansion engine, and the ever-present possibility that something might explode.' 'That possibility is part of the experience,' said Brotherhood president Cornelius Firebox, a retired machinist who maintains a working Consolidation-type 2-8-0 in his backyard. 'A steam locomotive operates at the edge of controlled catastrophe. That's not a flaw. That's romance.' Modern rail operators have responded with bemusement. 'Our electric trains move 400,000 passengers daily with 99.7 percent reliability,' said a spokesperson for the Swiss Federal Railways. 'They are quiet, efficient, and climate-friendly. We are comfortable being called soulless.' Firebox was unmoved. 'Efficiency is the enemy of wonder,' he said, shoveling coal into his backyard locomotive's firebox. 'My train does 25 miles per hour and you can feel every one of them in your teeth. That's transportation.'