Spike Ballast

Retired railroad engineer who can identify any locomotive by sound alone and considers this the most useful skill a person can possess.

45 articles

Writes for The Railroader's Register

Joined February 10, 2026

Articles by Spike Ballast

Man Builds Full-Size Railroad Handcar, Commutes to Work on Abandoned Track

The 3.7-mile commute takes 45 minutes by handcar versus 12 minutes by car, a trade-off the commuter considers 'completely worth it for the exercise and the looks I get.'

Train Delay Blamed on 'Leaves on the Line' Despite It Being July

The railway operator's automated delay notification system cited 'adhesion problems due to leaf fall' as the reason for a 90-minute delay in the middle of summer.

Railroad Enthusiast Forum Bans User After 11-Year Thread About Whether Diesels Smell Better Than Steam

The 4,700-post thread was classified as 'a public health hazard to the forum's intellectual environment' and its author was permanently banned for 'weaponized nostalgia.'

Miniature Railroad at Amusement Park Operated With More Precision Than Actual National Rail Network

The quarter-mile kiddie train at FunLand achieves 99.8% on-time performance, prompting Amtrak to request a consultation with the 17-year-old operator.

Railroad Bridge Inspector's Report Consists Entirely of the Word 'Fine' Repeated 347 Times

The 14-page document, submitted for 347 bridges across two states, contains no measurements, no photographs, and no evidence that the inspector left his truck.

Train Whistle Collector Insists Each One Has a 'Unique Personality,' Wife Disagrees

The collection of 200 locomotive whistles, which the collector describes as 'each having a distinct voice,' is described by his wife as '200 pieces of metal that all make the same noise.'

High-Speed Rail Proposal Mocked by Both European and American Officials for Different Reasons

Europeans say the proposed 150 mph service is 'adorably slow,' while Americans say it is 'dangerously fast and probably socialist.'

Engineer Retires After 40 Years, Realizes He Has No Hobbies That Don't Involve Trains

The retiree's attempt to develop non-railroad interests has produced a model railroad in his garage, a train-themed garden, and a subscription to seven railway magazines.

Sleeping Car Porter's Descendant Discovers Ancestor Was Listed as 'Equipment' on 1923 Railroad Manifest

The manifest lists Pullman porters alongside locomotives, dining cars, and bed linens, prompting a historian to note that 'the railroad industry had a complicated relationship with the concept of personhood.'

Model Railroad Sound System So Realistic Neighbors Call Police About 'Freight Yard at 2 AM'

The DCC sound decoder, installed in a basement layout, reproduces locomotive horn, air brake, and coupling sounds at volumes that 'exceed the capacity of a residential neighborhood to ignore.'

Commuter's Favorite Seat on the 7:42 AM Train Occupied by Stranger, Day Ruined

The window seat in the third car, which the commuter has occupied for eleven years without formal reservation, was taken by a man who 'didn't even seem to appreciate the view.'

Railroad Historical Society's Annual Banquet Derailed by Argument Over Which Year Was the 'Golden Age'

Factions supporting 1869, 1920, and 1945 have been unable to share a ballroom for five consecutive years.

Subway Map Designer Quits After Discovering Nobody Actually Reads the Map

The cartographer spent 18 months perfecting the line colors, station spacing, and typography, only to learn that 97% of riders use their phones.

Railway Museum Volunteer Cannot Stop Correcting Visitors Who Call the Locomotive a 'Train'

The retired engineer has been asked to 'let it go' by museum management after his 400th correction, which reduced a seven-year-old to tears.

Model Train Enthusiast Discovers Wife Has Been Secretly Rearranging Miniature Townspeople for Years

The tiny figurines, which the modeler positioned according to a detailed narrative he calls 'the lore,' have been quietly relocated by his wife, who 'just thought they looked better by the bakery.'

Train Delay Announcement Achieves New Record for Most Creative Use of the Phrase 'Momentary Inconvenience'

The 4-hour, 37-minute delay on the Northeast Corridor was described by the conductor as a 'momentary inconvenience' with such conviction that passengers briefly questioned their understanding of the word 'momentary.'

Caboose Appreciation Society Demands Caboose Comeback, Cites 'Emotional Void' at End of Freight Trains

The society argues that replacing the caboose with a flashing electronic box has created 'an aesthetic and spiritual vacancy' that is 'destroying the poetry of American railroading.'

Last Person Who Understands How to Operate a Roundhouse Turntable Refuses to Retire

The 84-year-old railroader is the sole remaining human who can operate the 1923 Armstrong turntable, a skill he describes as 'not teachable to anyone born after the Eisenhower administration.'

Railway Museum's Gift Shop Earns More Revenue Than the Actual Railroad It Commemorates Ever Did

The Nevada Northern Railway Museum's gift shop grossed $2.7 million last year selling miniature trains and novelty conductor hats, surpassing the original railroad's best year in 1907.

Locomotive Engineer Reports UFO, Turns Out to Be Another Train Coming the Other Way

The 'unidentified bright light approaching at high speed' was the headlight of an eastbound intermodal on the adjacent track, which the engineer 'should have anticipated.'

Dining Car Chef Produces Michelin-Worthy Meal in Kitchen the Size of a Closet at 79 Miles Per Hour

The pan-seared Chilean sea bass was plated during a 4-degree curve through the Cascade Range, which the chef describes as 'seasoning.'

Railroad Crossing Gate Arm Replaced 14 Times This Year by Same Driver Who 'Didn't See It'

The wooden gate arm at Mile Post 47.3 has been struck by the same Ford F-150 on 14 separate occasions, each time accompanied by the explanation 'it came out of nowhere.'

Freight Train Two Miles Long Declared Independent Nation by UN After It Stalls Across State Line

The 340-car manifest train has been stationary for so long that it has developed its own microclimate, postal code, and nascent system of governance.

Trainspotter Photographs Every Locomotive in North America, Still Cannot Explain to Family Why

The 14-year project involved 847,000 miles of travel, 23,412 unique locomotive sightings, and exactly zero convincing explanations at Thanksgiving dinner.

Conductor Punches 500,000th Ticket, Hand Now Permanently Shaped Like a Hole Punch

The 40-year veteran's right hand has adapted to accommodate the Conductors' Special punch through what orthopedists are calling 'occupational evolution.'

Railroad Timetable from 1887 Found to Be More Accurate Than Current Amtrak Schedule

A comparative analysis reveals that the Pennsylvania Railroad's 1887 schedule achieved 94% on-time performance with steam power, while Amtrak's current schedule is 'more of a suggestion.'

Train Horn So Loud It Retroactively Woke Up Residents Who Were Already Awake

The 3:14 a.m. horn blast at the Maple Street crossing registered 152 decibels and reportedly created a localized disturbance in the space-time continuum.

Steam Locomotive Enthusiasts Reject Electric Trains as 'Soulless Tubes of Disappointment'

A manifesto published by the Brotherhood of Live Steam declares that any train not powered by burning coal 'may as well be a bus on rails.'

Model Train Enthusiast's Basement Layout Now Larger Than Actual Town It Depicts

The HO-scale recreation of Millbrook, Ohio (pop. 247), has expanded to 3,400 square feet and includes amenities the real town lacks, such as a hospital.

Amtrak Train Arrives on Time, Passengers Assume They Boarded the Wrong Train

The Northeast Regional pulled into Penn Station at exactly 2:47 p.m. as scheduled, causing widespread confusion and one passenger to call 911.

City Councilman Who Proposed Light Rail Gets Death Threats From Both Supporters and Opponents

Supporters say the proposed route 'doesn't go far enough' while opponents say it 'goes too far,' leaving the councilman in the unusual position of being universally despised for a moderate transit plan.

Trainspotting Guidebook Author Admits He Made Up Half the Locomotive Numbers

The best-selling reference work contains over 300 fictional locomotive identifiers that 'sounded plausible' and which thousands of enthusiasts have been searching for in vain.

Railway Crossing Guard Has Existential Crisis After Gate Malfunction Eliminates His Only Purpose

The automated crossing now works perfectly, leaving the 30-year veteran with 'nothing to do but stand here and contemplate the void.'

Nostalgic Retiree Insists Trains Were Better When They Required Constant Shoveling of Coal

The former fireman says modern diesel locomotives have 'no soul' and that young people 'don't understand the romance of breathing coal dust for twelve hours.'

Model Railroad Club Meeting Derailed by 47-Minute Argument Over Correct Way to Ballast Track

The procedural dispute over whether to use fine gray gravel or medium brown gravel has been tabled for the ninth consecutive month.

Freight Train Enthusiast Devastated to Learn Girlfriend Was Only Interested in Passenger Rail

The couple's irreconcilable differences over rolling stock preferences have ended what both describe as 'an otherwise perfect relationship.'

Steam Locomotive Preservation Society Splits Over Whether to Actually Run the Locomotive

The 'runners' want to fire up the restored engine; the 'preservers' say running it would constitute 'using it up,' which defeats the purpose of preservation.

Man Who Moved Next to Train Tracks Files Noise Complaint About Trains

The homeowner, who purchased the property specifically for its 'charming railway views,' says he 'had no idea trains would be this loud or this frequent.'

Retired Engineer's Timetable Collection Declared 'Historically Significant' by No One Except Retired Engineer

The 4,000-item archive of train schedules from 1962 to 2008 has been rejected by three museums and a university library, all of which described it as 'certainly thorough.'

Rail Gauge Debate Resurfaces at International Conference, Delegates Refuse to Speak to Each Other

Proponents of standard gauge, broad gauge, and narrow gauge have retreated to separate conference rooms and are communicating exclusively through written position papers.

Amtrak Train Arrives on Time, Passengers Suspect Trap

The on-schedule arrival of the 2:15 from Chicago has been described by regular commuters as 'deeply suspicious' and 'almost certainly a glitch in the matrix.'

Heritage Railway Volunteers Spend More Time Arguing About Paint Colors Than Running Trains

The preserved 1923 locomotive has been in the paint shop for three years while the restoration committee debates whether the original livery was 'Brunswick Green' or 'British Racing Green.'

Train Spotter's Life List Reaches 10,000 Locomotives, Marriage Reaches Breaking Point

His wife says she will 'accept any hobby that doesn't require standing next to tracks at 4 AM in January,' a condition the spotter considers 'unreasonable.'

Man Spends 14 Years Building Model Railroad, Realizes He Forgot to Include a Train Station

The 2,000-square-foot layout features 47 bridges, 300 trees, and a fully functioning lumber mill, but passengers have nowhere to board.

HO Scale Enthusiast Refuses to Acknowledge N Scale as 'Real' Model Railroading

The 30-year veteran of the hobby says anything smaller than 1:87 is 'basically jewelry' and not worthy of serious discussion.