Man Who Named His Boat 'Never Again II' Fails to Appreciate the Irony

Local sailor and apparent irony enthusiast Gerald Ketch has christened his new vessel 'Never Again II,' failing to recognize — or perhaps embracing — the contradiction inherent in affixing a Roman numeral to a declaration of finality. 'After I sold the first boat, I swore I'd never do it again,' Ketch explained at the champagne ceremony. 'The maintenance, the expense, the weekends spent in the yard instead of on the water. I said never again. I meant it. And then I saw this one at the boat show and she just spoke to me.' Ketch's first vessel, a 34-foot sloop christened 'Never Again,' was itself named after a previous boating experience he had sworn off. Records suggest the naming tradition extends back to at least 2009, when Ketch owned a vessel called 'Last One, I Promise,' which was preceded by 'Seriously, No More Boats.' 'The name is aspirational,' Ketch clarified. 'It represents my commitment to making this the last boat I ever buy. Just like the last one did. And the one before that.' Ketch's ex-wife, who attended the christening in what she described as 'an anthropological capacity,' noted that the pattern extends beyond boats. 'He has a tattoo that says No More Tattoos. He named his third dog Final Dog. He is constitutionally incapable of learning from his own declarations.' The boat broker who facilitated the sale, Marcus Commission, expressed quiet satisfaction. 'Gerald is my best customer. He buys a boat, keeps it for three years, swears he'll never buy another, and then calls me eighteen months later asking what I have in the forty-foot range. I've sold him four boats. I anticipate selling him a fifth.' Ketch has announced that Never Again II will be 'the last boat he ever owns,' a statement his marina neighbors greeted with what witnesses described as 'polite, knowing silence.'