Dockside Argument Over Proper Fender Placement Enters Third Calendar Year

A dispute between two neighboring slip holders at Bayview Marina over the correct height and spacing of dock fenders has entered its third calendar year, having escalated from a polite suggestion in 2023 to what the marina manager describes as 'the most protracted conflict over cylindrical rubber objects in maritime history.' The argument began when slip holder Arthur Port noticed that his neighbor, Hector Starboard, had hung his fenders 'at least four inches too low,' causing them to ride beneath the dock's rub rail rather than protecting the hull at the waterline. 'I mentioned it casually,' Port said. 'I said his fenders were a bit low. He said they were fine. I said they weren't fine because they weren't protecting anything. He said he'd been hanging fenders for thirty years. I said he'd been hanging them wrong for thirty years.' The exchange escalated over the following months. Starboard lowered his fenders further, which Port interpreted as 'an act of maritime spite.' Port then added two additional fenders to his own boat, hung at what he described as 'the textbook-correct height,' which Starboard interpreted as 'showing off.' By mid-2024, the two men had stopped speaking entirely. Communication now occurs exclusively through notes — written on waterproof paper and attached to each other's fender lines with clothespins. The notes, which the marina manager has collected as evidence, include: 'Your fenders are still too low — AP,' 'Mind your own fenders — HS,' 'Your boat is rubbing on my dock — AP,' and the most recent: 'I have consulted the Chapman Piloting manual. Page 347. You are wrong. — AP.' Starboard responded with a Post-it reading: 'I have consulted 30 years of experience. You are insufferable.' The marina has offered mediation. Both men declined, with Port noting that 'there is nothing to mediate when one party's fenders are objectively too low' and Starboard responding that 'I'd rather sell the boat than agree with that man about anything.' Neither has adjusted his fenders.