Retired Sailor's Nautical Metaphor Addiction Makes Normal Conversation Impossible

Retired merchant marine officer Captain Douglas Windward has rendered himself incapable of normal human conversation through an uncontrollable addiction to nautical metaphors that his family describes as 'pathological and worsening.' 'I asked him how his doctor's appointment went,' said his daughter, Christine. 'He said he weathered the consultation, that the doctor gave him a clean bill of health, and that he's on an even keel going forward. I asked about dinner and he said he'd chart a course for the kitchen.' Captain Windward, who spent 35 years at sea before retiring in 2016, has progressively replaced all common expressions with their nautical equivalents. His family has documented over 300 unique maritime substitutions in daily speech. 'He doesn't go to bed, he goes below,' Christine said, consulting a list. 'He doesn't eat, he takes on provisions. He doesn't park the car, he comes alongside. He doesn't close the door, he secures the hatch. And everything that goes wrong is a squall.' Captain Windward maintained that nautical language is 'more precise' than its landlubber equivalent. 'When I say we need to change tack on the kitchen renovation, people know exactly what I mean,' he said. 'Nobody knows what he means,' Christine confirmed. The condition has created difficulties in social situations. At a recent dinner party, Captain Windward described the host's overcooked roast as 'listing badly to port' and suggested the evening was 'taking on water.' He was not invited back. 'I told my wife I loved her the other day,' Captain Windward said. 'I said she was my safe harbor in a world of cross-currents. She said please just say the normal words.' His wife, Barbara, has begun responding exclusively in aviation terminology as a form of protest. 'Roger that, preparing for final approach on dinner,' she told him last Tuesday. He did not understand the metaphor. 'That's not how language works,' he said. 'Exactly,' Barbara replied.