Explorers Who Named Everything 'New' Something Accused of Staggering Lack of Imagination

A comprehensive study published in the Journal of Historical Toponymics has concluded that European explorers responsible for naming vast swathes of the colonized world demonstrated 'a level of creative bankruptcy that borders on performance art,' with the prefix 'New' accounting for a staggering 23 percent of all colonial-era place names. 'They sailed across entire oceans, encountered landscapes of breathtaking novelty, and said: this reminds me of home,' wrote lead author Dr. Cordelia Atlas. 'New York. New Jersey. New Hampshire. New Orleans. New South Wales. The pattern is relentless and deeply uninspired.' The study catalogued 4,847 places worldwide that begin with the word 'New,' finding that 89 percent were named by explorers who had been at sea for 'long enough to apparently forget that other words exist.' 'Consider New Zealand,' Dr. Atlas continued. 'A geographically unique island nation with active volcanism, extraordinary biodiversity, and indigenous Maori culture spanning centuries. And Abel Tasman looked at it and said: this is like Zeeland. Zeeland is flat. New Zealand is mountainous. The comparison is baffling.' The study also examined the less common but equally uninspired practice of naming features after the day they were discovered. 'Christmas Island, Easter Island, the Cape of Good Hope on a good-weather day — these names tell us nothing about the places and everything about the total absence of a naming committee.' Descendants of the explorers named in the study have not responded to requests for comment, though the current Duke of York is said to be 'mildly embarrassed' about the whole New York situation.