Man Who Named His Wi-Fi Network 'FBI Surveillance Van' Now Consulting for U.S. Board on Geographic Names

Kevin Topolsky, a 34-year-old IT consultant from Reston, Virginia, best known in his apartment complex for naming his Wi-Fi network 'FBI Surveillance Van 7,' has been appointed as a consultant to the U.S. Board on Geographic Names after a board member encountered his network while visiting the building and was, in his words, 'deeply impressed.' 'The man understands the power of naming,' said board member Dr. Clement Survey. 'With four words, he altered the perceived reality of everyone in that building. Three tenants moved out. The HOA held an emergency meeting. That is toponymic influence at its purest.' Topolsky, who holds no formal qualifications in geography, linguistics, or cartography, has been assigned to the Board's Domestic Names Committee, where he will advise on the 'psychological impact of place names on public behavior.' 'People think naming is just labels,' Topolsky said in his first committee address. 'But names create reality. I named my Wi-Fi FBI Surveillance Van and my neighbor started shredding documents. I named my Bluetooth speaker DEA Listening Post and the guy upstairs stopped playing music at 2 AM. This is applied toponymics.' The appointment has drawn mixed reactions from the academic toponymic community. Dr. Marcia Gazetteer of the American Name Society called it 'either the most innovative appointment in the Board's history or a sign that things have gone terribly wrong.' Topolsky's first official recommendation — renaming a stretch of Interstate 95 through Virginia as 'Speed Trap Corridor' — is reportedly under review.