Local Man Claims Alien Abduction Ruined His Tinder Date – Demands Intergalactic Apology

Right. So, Bartholomew “Barty” Higgins, 37, of Poughkeepsie, is *insisting* he was mid-swipe-right conversation with a woman named Brenda (profile pic: aggressively posed with a golden retriever) when, and I quote, “a beam of cerulean light just… scooped me up.” Apparently, Brenda was left on read for approximately 47 minutes while Barty underwent what he describes as “proctological probing and a surprisingly detailed questionnaire about his preferred brand of artisanal pickles.” Now, the Ufologist Update doesn’t typically cover romantic disappointments, but Barty is pursuing legal action. He’s filed a complaint with the Galactic Federation (address currently unknown) demanding a formal apology, reimbursement for the therapy sessions he’s now attending to process the trauma, and, crucially, a lifetime subscription to Tinder Gold. “It’s not just the indignity,” Barty lamented, reciting a poem he’d penned about the incident (it rhymed “probe” with “globe” several times). “It’s the *timing*. Brenda was a ten. A solid ten. And now? Now I’m just ‘the guy who got abducted.’ It’s a dating profile killer.” Experts (read: a man named Gary who watches a lot of Ancient Aliens) speculate the aliens were simply conducting market research on Earthling mating rituals. Others believe Barty’s pickle preference triggered a security protocol. The truth, as always, is probably weirder. Brenda, for her part, has blocked Barty on all platforms. A statement released by her golden retriever, Winston, simply read: “Woof.” This reporter attempted to contact the Galactic Federation for comment. The response was static. And a faint smell of ozone. Which, honestly, is pretty rude.