Local HOA Declares War on…Level Ground. Cites ‘Lack of Architectural Interest’

Pleasantville, USA – In a move that has baffled both civil engineers and anyone with a functioning sense of practicality, the Pleasantville Homeowners Association (PHA) has announced a sweeping initiative to ‘enhance visual dynamism’ by mandating all front lawns be subtly, yet noticeably, sloped. “Frankly, level lawns are *boring*,” declared PHA President Mildred McMillan, adjusting her pearl necklace with the steely gaze of a woman who’s spent far too long dictating shrubbery heights. “Where’s the drama? The intrigue? A slight incline suggests…ambition. A gentle descent implies…contemplation. A flat surface just screams ‘I have no personality and also probably watch a lot of daytime television.’” The initiative, dubbed ‘Operation Undulation,’ will require homeowners to either import tons of soil or, as McMillan cheerfully suggested, “strategically remove some.” Early estimates suggest the project will cost residents upwards of $3,000, a sum many argue could be better spent on, say, fixing the pothole that’s currently swallowing small cars whole on Elm Street. Local landscaper, Dale Peterson, sighed heavily when reached for comment. “I’ve been asked to build retaining walls for less aesthetically pleasing reasons, but this…this is a new low. I’m starting to think these people just enjoy making life difficult. Also, my back hurts just thinking about it.” When pressed on the potential for drainage issues and general structural instability, McMillan waved her hand dismissively. “Details, details. We’re aiming for *art*, Dale. Art! Besides, we’ve already approved a beige color palette for all retaining walls. That’s far more important.” The PHA is currently accepting applications for a ‘Chief Undulation Officer’ – experience in topographical manipulation preferred, but a strong commitment to beige is essential.