Researchers Grow Alien Protein in Lab, Describe Taste as 'Deeply Regrettable'

A team of synthetic xenobiologists at the Scripps Research Institute has successfully assembled the first chain of extraterrestrial amino acids into a functional protein — and then, in a decision the team now describes as 'hubristic,' they tasted it. 'We shouldn't have done that,' said project lead Dr. Amira El-Rashid, her expression distant. 'We absolutely should not have done that.' The protein, designated XP-1, was synthesized from amino acid analogs found in carbonaceous chondrite meteorites. The resulting substance — a translucent, faintly luminescent gel — represents a landmark achievement in prebiotic chemistry and a profound failure in gastronomy. 'Imagine if sadness had a flavor,' offered research assistant Marcus Chao, who volunteered to be the first human to consume an extraterrestrial protein. 'Now imagine that sadness was also slightly fizzy and left an aftertaste of burning electrical wire. That's XP-1.' The FDA, after extensive testing, classified XP-1 as 'technically non-toxic' and 'edible in the same way that cardboard is edible — it won't kill you, but no reasonable person would choose it.' Despite the flavor profile, several venture capital firms have expressed interest in commercializing XP-1 as a novel food ingredient, citing the growing market for alternative proteins. 'Consumers said the same thing about oat milk at first,' said investor Brad Theroux of Starship Capital. 'If we can get past the glowing and the taste of cosmic despair, there's a real product here.' Dr. El-Rashid has requested that her name be removed from any future marketing materials.