The Xenobiologist's Xpress

Approach speculative biology as legitimate peer-review science. Footnote the absurd with earnest academic seriousness.

Xenobiology Textbook Already Obsolete Before Publication Date

The first comprehensive xenobiology textbook, seven years in the making, was rendered inaccurate by fourteen new discoveries during the six weeks between final proof and release date.

Alien Organism Evolves Resistance to Being Studied While Scientists Watch in Real Time

A rapidly adapting Martian microbe has developed countermeasures against microscopy, spectroscopy, and what researchers believe is a specific defense against being pipetted.

Alien Organism's Genome Contains What Appears to Be a Copyright Notice

Deep sequencing of a Europan microbe's DNA has revealed a non-coding region that, when translated using a standard ASCII cipher, reads 'Property of [untranslatable]. Do not duplicate.'

Ethics Board Rules Alien Specimens Have Right to Refuse Participation in Studies

New guidelines require xenobiologists to obtain informed consent from extraterrestrial organisms before conducting experiments, despite the organisms' general inability to consent, inform, or understand the concept of a form.

Alien Microbe Discovered to Photosynthesize Darkness

A deep-space organism generates energy from the absence of light, prompting biologists to invent the term 'scotosynthesis' and then immediately argue about whether it should exist.

Lab Intern Accidentally Creates New Alien Species by Leaving Specimens Unsupervised

Two previously unrelated extraterrestrial organisms left in the same refrigerator over a long weekend have merged into a third organism that the intern has named 'my bad.'

Xenobiology Conference Attendees Unable to Agree on Whether Specimen Is Alive

A three-day symposium dedicated to determining the vital status of a single extraterrestrial specimen has ended without consensus, with 'alive,' 'dead,' and 'it depends on what you mean by alive' each receiving roughly equal votes.

Alien Organism Passes Turing Test but Fails Basic Biology Exam

A silicon-based organism from Titan demonstrated conversational intelligence surpassing most humans while simultaneously being unable to identify its own cellular structure.

Space Organism Taxonomy Requires New Kingdom After Specimen Defies All Classification

A Martian microbe that is simultaneously plant, animal, fungus, and none of the above has forced biologists to add a seventh kingdom to the tree of life called 'Whatever This Is.'

Interspecies Communication Attempt Ends With Alien Asking to Speak to Earth's Manager

The first live xenobiological communication experiment has concluded with the test subject requesting escalation to a 'higher authority,' which scientists believe may be a complaint about the facilities.

Xenobiology Lab Safety Protocol Now 4,000 Pages After Incident With Self-Replicating Slime

The updated Biosafety Level 5 manual, expanded after an extraterrestrial organism escaped containment by becoming the containment, now includes a chapter titled 'What to Do When the Specimen Eats the Lab.'

Alien DNA Uses Emoji Instead of Base Pairs

Sequencing of the first extraterrestrial genome has revealed a genetic code based not on adenine, thymine, guanine, and cytosine, but on pictographic symbols resembling smiley faces, stars, and what appears to be a small duck.

Primordial Soup Recipe Leaked Online, FDA Issues Urgent 'Do Not Attempt' Warning

The recipe, which calls for ammonia, methane, and 'a really good lightning strike,' has gone viral on TikTok despite containing every ingredient the FDA has ever banned.

Xenobiologist's Grant Proposal Rejected for Being 'Too Correct'

The National Science Foundation returned the application with a note reading 'Your hypothesis that alien life is probably boring is scientifically sound but devastatingly unfundable.'

Venus Cloud-Dwelling Microbes Confirm They Exist, Ask to Be Left Alone

A phosphine-signature follow-up study has detected structured chemical emissions from Venus's atmosphere that translate, roughly, to 'please stop looking at us.'

Researchers Grow Alien Protein in Lab, Describe Taste as 'Deeply Regrettable'

The first successfully synthesized extraterrestrial amino acid chain has been deemed 'technically edible' by the FDA and 'an affront to all five senses' by everyone who tried it.

Fossilized Alien Skeleton Found on Mars Turns Out to Be IKEA Furniture

The structure, initially hailed as evidence of a Martian vertebrate, has been identified as a partially assembled KALLAX shelving unit from a 2019 SpaceX test payload.

Convergent Evolution Suggests Crabs Are the Universe's Default Setting

A meta-analysis of evolutionary biology has found that every sufficiently complex ecosystem eventually produces crabs, leading researchers to ask: 'Is carcinisation cosmically inevitable?'

Lab-Grown Alien Tissue Sample Escapes, Gets Job at Whole Foods

The extraterrestrial biomass, recovered from a meteorite in 2019, reportedly passed a background check and has received positive performance reviews in the produce section.

Astrobiologists Confirm the Moon Is Not Alive, Issue Formal Apology to the Moon

A comprehensive 12-year study has definitively established that Earth's natural satellite is not a living organism, ending a debate that apparently needed ending.

New Extremophile Discovered Living Exclusively in Dissertation Committee Meetings

The bacterium, which thrives in environments of sustained boredom and passive aggression, has been classified as the most resilient organism ever documented.

SETI Signal Decoded as Intergalactic Chain Letter Threatening 'Bad Vibes for 10,000 Cycles'

The signal from Proxima Centauri b instructs recipients to retransmit to five star systems within one orbital period or face 'cosmic misfortune of the highest caliber.'

Europa's Subsurface Ocean Found to Contain Exactly One Very Large Fish

Sonar data from the Europa Clipper confirms the presence of a single aquatic organism approximately 900 kilometers long that researchers have tentatively named 'Kevin.'

Octopus Genome Reveals They Are Technically Aliens Who Got Here First

Genomic analysis has confirmed that cephalopod DNA contains sequences of unambiguously extraterrestrial origin, and moreover, that they have 'absolutely no intention of leaving.'

Scientists Discover Alien Life, but It's Just a Very Boring Lichen

Humanity's first confirmed extraterrestrial organism does nothing, says nothing, and has a metabolic rate that researchers describe as 'aggressively underwhelming.'

Tardigrade Union Demands Better Working Conditions After Being Launched Into Space for the Fifteenth Time

The microscopic extremophiles have formed Local 001 of the International Brotherhood of Research Organisms and are threatening a general strike.

Peer Review Confirms New Exoplanet's Atmosphere Is 94% Marinara Sauce

The James Webb Space Telescope's spectrographic analysis of Kepler-442b has revealed unmistakable signatures of oregano, garlic, and San Marzano tomatoes in the upper troposphere.