Octopus Genome Reveals They Are Technically Aliens Who Got Here First

A landmark genomic study published in Cell Biology has confirmed what marine biologists have long suspected and the rest of us have long feared: octopuses are not from here. The study, conducted by an international consortium of 47 xenobiologists and molecular geneticists, identified 127 gene clusters in the common octopus (Octopus vulgaris) that have no homologs anywhere else in Earth's tree of life and bear structural similarities to theoretical models of extraterrestrial nucleic acids. 'We've known for years that cephalopod genetics are weird,' said lead author Dr. Marina Strand. 'Three hearts, blue blood, distributed nervous systems, the ability to edit their own RNA in real time — none of this is normal. What this study shows is that it isn't just abnormal. It's alien.' The findings suggest that cephalopod ancestors arrived on Earth via panspermia approximately 500 million years ago, embedded in icy cometary material that seeded the Cambrian ocean. 'They've been here longer than vertebrates,' Dr. Strand noted. 'Technically, we're the invasive species.' The octopus community has declined to comment through official channels, though researchers at the Monterey Bay Aquarium report that their resident giant Pacific octopus, Gerald, unscrewed his tank lid, arranged seventeen rocks into what appears to be a rudimentary star map, and then went back to sleep. Xenolinguists have been dispatched to attempt communication. Gerald ate one of their pens. The United Nations has convened an emergency session to discuss 'the sovereignty implications of a pre-existing non-human territorial claim on Earth,' though preliminary reports suggest that octopuses are unlikely to attend.