SETI Signal Decoded as Intergalactic Chain Letter Threatening 'Bad Vibes for 10,000 Cycles'

The SETI Institute announced Thursday that a repeating signal from the Proxima Centauri system, initially believed to be evidence of intelligent extraterrestrial communication, has been decoded and found to be a chain letter. The signal, designated BLC-7, was first detected in 2024 and spent eighteen months being analyzed by the world's foremost cryptographers, linguists, and xenobiologists. The decoded message, translated into English by a team at Cambridge, reads in part: 'GREETINGS SENTIENT CARBON FORMS. This message has been circulating the local group for 3.7 billion cycles. DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN. Forward this transmission to five (5) star systems within one (1) orbital period. Failure to comply will result in bad vibes, unfavorable asteroid trajectories, and the dimming of your host star by up to 0.3%.' The message continues with a testimonial section: 'The Zeta Reticulans forwarded this message and discovered faster-than-light travel within 200 cycles. The inhabitants of Gliese 581d did NOT forward this message and their planet is now tidally locked. Coincidence? WE THINK NOT.' SETI researchers have expressed a complex mixture of elation and disappointment. 'On one hand, this confirms intelligent life exists beyond Earth,' said Dr. Franklin Osei. 'On the other hand, their intelligence apparently peaked at the same level as your aunt who shares minion memes on Facebook.' The White House has convened an emergency meeting to discuss whether Earth is obligated to forward the message. Early polling suggests 62 percent of Americans believe 'you can't be too careful with cosmic chain letters.'