Astrobiologists Confirm the Moon Is Not Alive, Issue Formal Apology to the Moon

The International Astrobiology Consortium has published the definitive results of a twelve-year, $840 million study confirming that Earth's Moon is not, has never been, and shows no indication of ever becoming a living organism. The study, titled 'Selenological Assessment of Biological Viability: A Comprehensive Negative Result,' was commissioned in 2014 after a viral blog post by amateur astronomer Dale Henrickson argued that the Moon's tidal effects on Earth constituted 'a form of breathing.' 'We want to be absolutely clear,' said lead researcher Dr. Amara Okonkwo at a press conference. 'The Moon is a 7.35 x 10^22 kilogram spheroid of anorthosite and basalt. It does not breathe, think, feel, or metabolize. It is a rock. A very large, very pretty rock, but a rock.' The study involved 340 researchers across 28 institutions who collectively analyzed lunar soil samples, seismic data, thermal emissions, and electromagnetic signatures for any indication of biological activity. They found none. 'Not even a little,' Dr. Okonkwo emphasized. 'Not even by the most generous possible definition of life. It's profoundly, aggressively dead.' The consortium nonetheless issued a formal apology to the Moon 'for the implication that it needed to be tested,' acknowledging that 'subjecting a celestial body to over a decade of biological scrutiny based on a blog post was, in retrospect, perhaps not the best use of public funds.' Henrickson has responded by posting a follow-up blog arguing that the Sun is 'clearly a living creature' because it 'eats hydrogen and produces energy, which is basically what mitochondria do.' The consortium has declined to comment.