Lab-Grown Alien Tissue Sample Escapes, Gets Job at Whole Foods

A xenobiological tissue sample that escaped from a Level 4 biosafety containment facility at Johns Hopkins University three weeks ago has been located working the produce section at a Whole Foods in Towson, Maryland, where it has reportedly been employee of the week twice. The sample, designated XT-9 and described in laboratory records as 'a 340-gram mass of undifferentiated extraterrestrial cellular material recovered from the Murchison meteorite fragment,' was discovered missing during a routine inventory on January 14. Security footage shows the biomass exiting through a ventilation shaft at approximately 3:47 AM. 'We're not entirely sure how it filled out a job application,' said Dr. Bernard Kwon, the facility's biosafety officer. 'Or how it obtained a valid Social Security number. But the Whole Foods manager says it's very good with avocados.' The tissue sample, which has adopted the name 'Alex' and lists its previous experience as '4.6 billion years of interstellar transit,' has reportedly charmed both customers and colleagues. 'Alex is great,' said shift manager Tonya Reeves. 'Never takes breaks, never complains, can ripen a mango by touching it. I don't ask questions.' Johns Hopkins has requested the sample's return, citing biosafety protocols and the fact that XT-9 represents 'the single most important xenobiological specimen in human history.' Whole Foods has counter-offered with a promotion to assistant department manager. XT-9's lawyer — it has retained a lawyer — has filed a motion arguing that the sample's demonstrated capacity for autonomous decision-making and gainful employment constitutes evidence of personhood. The case is expected to set precedent in both xenobiology and labor law.