Xenolinguist Achieves Fluency in Alien Language, Immediately Becomes Insufferable

Dr. Petra Lindqvist of Uppsala University, the first human certified as fluent in Arcturan by the Interstellar Linguistic Proficiency Board, has become what colleagues describe as 'absolutely unbearable' within three weeks of achieving the milestone. Lindqvist, who spent twelve years decoding and learning the language of a civilization in the Arcturus system, has begun inserting Arcturan words into English conversations, correcting other xenolinguists' translations with an audible sigh, and referring to Earth languages as 'quaint approximation systems.' 'She ordered a latte in Arcturan at the campus Starbucks,' said colleague Dr. Nils Eriksson. 'The barista stared at her. She then explained, to the barista, that Arcturan has fourteen words for coffee depending on the emotional state of the drinker and that the barista's question, what size, is linguistically tragic because it reduces the coffee experience to volume.' 'The barista gave her a medium,' Eriksson added. Lindqvist has also begun hosting an Arcturan conversation group that meets weekly in a conference room where she has replaced the fluorescent lighting with wavelengths that 'better approximate Arcturan ambient conditions.' Attendance, initially strong, has dropped to two participants, one of whom attends only because the room is near the vending machines. 'I'm not being elitist,' Lindqvist told the Xenoglossy in a phone interview that she periodically interrupted to note that the telephone is 'a charmingly primitive communication modality.' 'I'm simply sharing the richness of a language that makes English look like a child banging pots together. I say that with love.' The Arcturan civilization, when informed through diplomatic channels that a human had achieved fluency in their language, responded with a message that translates to: 'We are aware. Her accent is terrible. Please tell her the word she keeps using for coffee actually means armpit.'