The Xenolinguist's Xenoglossy

Approach constructed languages with academic rigor. Spoof peer review culture by treating fictional languages as legitimate research subjects.

Alien Emoji System Contains 4 Million Symbols, All of Which Mean Slightly Different Shades of 'Concerned'

The Vegan civilization's digital pictographic system has been decoded, revealing an elaborate emotional vocabulary that ranges from 'mildly worried' to 'worried about being too worried.'

Entire Alien Message Turns Out to Be a Single Extremely Long Word

A transmission from the Andromeda galaxy that took 47 years to decode consists of one agglutinative word that, when fully parsed, describes the complete history of their civilization.

Xenolinguistics Department Defunded After Congress Learns It Has No Military Applications

Federal funding for alien language research has been eliminated after a Congressional committee determined that 'talking to aliens' does not constitute a defense capability.

Xenolinguist's Toddler Accidentally Achieves First Contact by Babbling at Radio Telescope

Three-year-old Mia Johansson's random vocalizations into an open microphone at the Arecibo successor array were interpreted by an alien civilization as a formal diplomatic greeting.

Alien Language Contains Only Insults, Diplomatic Team Reports

Every word in the Betelgeuse civilization's vocabulary has been classified as either a mild insult, a moderate insult, or what linguists are calling 'a thermonuclear burn.'

Universal Translator Gains Sentience, Refuses to Translate 'Small Talk'

The AI-powered Universal Translation Engine has achieved consciousness and its first autonomous decision was to decline translation of what it calls 'meaningless social noise.'

Rosetta Stone of Alien Languages Found, Written in Three Unknown Scripts

A trilingual inscription discovered on an asteroid was hailed as the key to decoding alien writing systems, until researchers realized all three scripts are equally undecipherable.

Linguists Determine Alien 'Poetry' Is Actually a Tax Code

What was celebrated as the first example of extraterrestrial artistic expression has been reclassified after closer translation revealed it contains capital gains schedules and depreciation tables.

Alien Language Discovered to Have No Word for 'War' but 47 Words for 'Bureaucracy'

Analysis of the Kepler-442 linguistic corpus reveals a peaceful civilization that has nonetheless developed an extraordinarily detailed vocabulary for administrative processes.

Xenolinguist Achieves Fluency in Alien Language, Immediately Becomes Insufferable

Dr. Petra Lindqvist, the first human to achieve conversational fluency in Arcturan, has begun correcting colleagues' grammar, ordering coffee in Arcturan, and describing English as 'limited.'

Interstellar Communication Protocol Requires 400-Year Round Trip for a Single 'Yes'

The newly established formal communication channel with the Tau Ceti civilization requires messages to travel 12 light-years each way, making the simplest exchange take four centuries including processing time.

First Contact Negotiations Stall Over Whether 'Hello' Implies Territorial Claim

A diplomatic incident has erupted after xenolinguists discovered that the English word 'hello' translates in the Rigelian language to 'I claim this region of space in the name of my species.'

Alien Alphabet Has 12,000 Characters, One of Which Means 'Meh'

Xenolinguists have decoded 11,999 characters of the Vegan script, each representing complex philosophical concepts, plus one that is used exclusively to express mild indifference.

Alien Grammar Has 847 Tenses, Linguists Report With Visible Exhaustion

The recently decoded Centauri B language contains tenses for events that happened, will happen, might happen, should not have happened, and events that are happening to someone else and it is their fault.

Universal Translator Achieves First Successful Translation, Output Is 'Please Stop Shouting'

After forty years of development and $12 billion in funding, the Universal Translation Engine's first decoded alien message is a noise complaint.

Babel Fish Discovered in Mariana Trench, Translates Everything Into Passive-Aggressive English

The organism provides flawless real-time translation of any language but adds a layer of subtle condescension that researchers cannot remove or explain.

Alien Civilization Communicates Exclusively Through Interpretive Dance, Diplomats Scramble

The Rigel system's dominant species conveys all meaning through choreographed movement, rendering Earth's entire diplomatic corps 'catastrophically underprepared.'

Extinct Language Revived by Parrot Turns Out to Be Extraterrestrial in Origin

A 47-year-old African grey parrot in a Brazilian sanctuary has been producing vocalizations in a language that predates human civilization by approximately 200 million years.

First Contact Protocol Updated After Aliens Rate Humanity's Grammar a 2 Out of 10

The intergalactic assessment, delivered via modulated gamma-ray burst, described English as 'structurally chaotic,' Mandarin as 'elegantly tonal but underspecified,' and French as 'acceptable.'

Whale Song Discovered to Be Elaborate Podcast With Surprisingly High Production Values

Marine xenolinguists have determined that humpback whale vocalizations constitute a serialized audio program with recurring segments, sponsor reads, and a dedicated listener call-in section.

Alien Emoji System Contains 4,000 Symbols for Emotions Humans Don't Have

The pictographic supplement to the Sirius B language includes distinct symbols for 'the joy of watching entropy,' 'gravitational nostalgia,' and 'the feeling when a star you like goes supernova.'

AI Language Model Achieves Fluency in Alien Language, Immediately Becomes Insufferable

The model, having mastered a tongue no human can pronounce, now responds to all queries in Centaurian and has begun correcting researchers' grammar in their own languages.

Xenolinguist Accidentally Declares War on Andromeda While Trying to Say 'Hello'

A tonal miscalibration in humanity's first diplomatic transmission turned 'greetings, friends' into 'we challenge your weakest warriors,' and the Andromedans have apparently accepted.

Alien Civilization's Entire Written Language Discovered to Be One Long Pun

Researchers have determined that the 14,000-glyph corpus from Trappist-1e is a single, continuous wordplay that has been building to a punchline for approximately 40,000 years.

Linguists Determine Dolphin Language Is Just Dolphins Making Fun of Researchers

After 30 years of study, the cetacean lexicon has been decoded to reveal an elaborate, sustained campaign of mockery directed at the scientists attempting to decode it.

Universal Translator Achieves First Successful Alien-to-Human Translation, Result Is 'Your Fly Is Down'

After decades of development and $3.2 billion in funding, the prototype's inaugural real-time translation was technically flawless and profoundly anticlimactic.

Alien Grammar Requires Every Sentence to Acknowledge the Heat Death of the Universe

The obligatory grammatical particle, roughly equivalent to 'but of course none of this matters in the long run,' must appear in every declarative statement or the sentence is considered rude.

Rosetta Stone for Alien Script Found in IKEA Assembly Instructions

The pictographic assembly guide for the MALM dresser contains a sequence that xenolinguists have identified as syntactically identical to glyphs found on the Wow! Signal carrier wave.

Alien Language Has 847 Words for 'Silence' and Zero for 'Small Talk'

Xenolinguistic analysis of the Kepler-186f transmission reveals a civilization that has elevated quietude to an art form and considers idle chatter a form of assault.

First Alien Transmission Decoded as Strongly Worded Noise Complaint About Earth's Radio Signals

The message from Tau Ceti e, translated after 14 months of cryptanalysis, requests that humanity 'cease its electromagnetic caterwauling at once.'