Universal Translator Achieves First Successful Translation, Output Is 'Please Stop Shouting'

The Universal Translation Engine, humanity's most ambitious linguistic achievement, processed its first successful alien signal translation on Tuesday morning. The message, broadcast from a source near Proxima Centauri and received by the Allen Telescope Array, reads in its entirety: 'Please stop shouting.' Project director Dr. Lena Okafor announced the translation at a press conference that began with champagne and ended with an uncomfortable silence. 'We have achieved first translation,' she said. 'The alien civilization has communicated a clear, unambiguous message to humanity. They want us to be quieter.' Analysis suggests the complaint refers to humanity's cumulative radio and television emissions, which have been propagating into space at the speed of light since the 1930s. The Proxima Centauri system, 4.24 light-years away, is currently receiving broadcasts from approximately 2022 Earth. 'They're getting our 2022 content,' said signal analyst Dr. David Chen. 'TikTok audio, podcast advertisements, cable news. If I were 4.24 light-years away and receiving that, I'd also ask us to stop.' The translation team has drafted a response, which reads: 'We apologize for the noise. Unfortunately, we are unable to stop broadcasting as our civilization has not developed the capacity for silence. We hope the programming improves. It will not.' The response has been approved by the United Nations Committee on Extraterrestrial Communication, though several member nations objected to the admission that programming will not improve, calling it 'diplomatically unhelpful.' A follow-up signal from Proxima Centauri was received six hours after the first. The translation team is still working on it, but preliminary analysis suggests it contains the phrase 'especially the one about the bachelor.'