Xenolinguistics Department Defunded After Congress Learns It Has No Military Applications

The United States Congress has voted to eliminate all federal funding for xenolinguistic research after the House Armed Services Committee concluded that the ability to communicate with alien civilizations has 'no discernible defense application.' The decision, which cuts $340 million in annual research funding, was announced by committee chair Representative Dale Buckner, who told reporters: 'We spent twenty years and billions of dollars teaching people to talk to aliens, and not once has an alien provided actionable intelligence, a weapons system, or a military alliance. This is a defense budget. If the aliens aren't going to help us fight, we're not going to help them talk.' The xenolinguistics community has responded with alarm. 'Communication is the foundation of all cooperation,' said Dr. Elena Vasquez, president of the International Xenolinguistic Society. 'Without funding for translation research, humanity's ability to establish peaceful relations with extraterrestrial civilizations will be permanently compromised.' 'Great,' said Representative Buckner. 'When the aliens come with a defense contract, we'll talk.' The cut affects 2,300 researchers across 47 institutions. The Allen Telescope Array, which monitors alien transmissions, will continue operating under NASA's budget, but there will be no one funded to translate what it receives. 'We'll be listening to alien messages we can't understand,' said Dr. Vasquez. 'It's like subscribing to a foreign newspaper and firing your translator. You still get the paper. You just can't read it.' Several private technology companies have offered to fund xenolinguistic research, but with conditions that concern academics. Amazon has proposed translating alien languages 'in exchange for exclusive retail rights to any extraterrestrial products identified through decoded transmissions.' Google has offered funding contingent on 'integrating alien linguistic data into our advertising algorithms.' The alien civilizations currently in communication with Earth have not commented on the funding cut, though a signal from Proxima Centauri received shortly after the announcement translates, according to the last funded translation, as: 'Typical.'